Fear Not, NegativeMode Lives....

As you can tell, I've not posted in about a week, which is way longer than I generally try to go between postings, as I know I have to entertain you all (or at least make a good faith effort to entertain). Well, I'm back. I've survived one of the worst three days of my life and I'm here to blog about it (that is an incredibly lame sentence to write, and I have a feeling that it sounds much lamer reading it. Oh well). Anyway, this post isn't really meant to entertain, but rather to preview an exciting new phase in NegativeMode.

Starting Tuesday, August 2nd, NegativeMode will become a travel log/blog (trog?). NevativeMode and PositiveMode are joining together to TravelMode (that's a noun) for the month of August, and the hijinks that are sure to ensure will be documented on these very pages. Pictures will be included technology permitting.

The first posting should come to you from Reykjavik, Iceland, followed by Scotland, London, Paris, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Stockholm, Prague, Vienna, and finally, Munich. The trip should be absolutely amazing, and I look forward to sharing all of it with you. See you in Iceland. . . .

May the Schwartz Be With You

I just wanted to wish all of my fellow '05 law school graduates good luck tomorrow and Wednesday (and Thursday for some of you) on your respective bar exams. Seeing as how we all went to a top-tier law school, our elitist, more highly developed minds will allow us to pass with ease, while our second tier competition struggle towards our common goal (I'll probably not pass for just writing that). Anyway, good luck, I'm sure you'll all pass.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Philly and then NJ for three days of fun-filled, wacky adventures. . . .

Goldmember

I thought this mug shot on the SmokingGun was really funny. Dude got arrested for sniffing paint cans at a hardware store. For evidentiary purposes, it probably would have been smarter to go with a clearcoat, or something in a skin tone shade, instead of choosing metallic gold. I'll give him credit, choosing metallic gold made for a great mug shot. . . .

All in the family

While traveling a couple of years ago, I became friendly with a girl who was on vacation for what I thought was a family reunion. Her family was of Indian descent, and before long I began to notice something peculiar: all the young kids called every adult male in the family 'uncle'. Last week I was at a Hindu wedding and noticed the same phenomenon so I decided to research the issue further. It turns out that in Indian culture, it is customary to call any adult male that is close to the family 'uncle' regardless of whether this person is actually your uncle. This means that a young Indian boy could conceivably have 10 or 15 'uncles' without either his mother or father having any brothers. I find this amazing. Furthermore, I wonder how real, related by blood Indian uncles feel about this tradition. As a true relative, I would take offense at non-relatives being accorded relative-name status. I believe that one's rightfully earned uncle status is diminished as a result of other non-true uncles stealing your thunder. We must probe further in order to gain more insight into this.

Welcome, Aloha, Shalom Sinoway!

As you may or may not have noticed, NegativeMode has a new member ... Sinoway. Sinoway is something of an enigma. Shorn yet hirsuite, sharp as a whip yet dull as a 10 watt bulb, ravishingly handsome yet repulsively objectionable, Sinoway is all of these things at once while at the same time none of these things. I hope that you will enjoy his "unique" outlook on life as much as I have the past 30-odd years. NegativeMode looks forward to you contributions Sinoway. . . .

Incase you'd like to learn more about Sinoway, feel free to check out the following links (like I said, he is very diverse, and quite enigmatic, as his various industries and holdings will show):

• Sinoway Promotional Bags
• Sinoway International Holdings, Ltd. (petroleum, coke)
• Sinoway Art, Furnature, and Design
• Sinoway Chinese Investment and Consulting
• Sinoway Chinese Travel Agency

Impressive, eh?

Note: If my ramblings are making little to no sense, that's because a) I was never all there to begin with, and b) I've been driven completely insane by my bar exam preparations. The sh*t is neverending, mindboggling, and completely draining. Really, it's a joy.

Hot New Jam

Please check out this link. It's a link to a song/video by Daler Mehndi. Give it a listen, I promise you won't be disappointed. An excerpt from the web page:

your life will be changed. you will dance. you will dance like you've never danced in your life. daler mehndi is one of india's biggest pop stars, or so i found out just recently. this video is one of those things that people pass around to their friends on the internet, and No-Nothing Rock! is here to pass it on to you. TUNAK TUANK TAN is a close five minutes of non-stop fun, genius, and amazement.

It's true. I can see no conceivable way that you won't enjoy that song. None. Special thanks to Sinoway for enlightening me.

Beer, Fast

Read this article from the Wall Street Journal. If you like beer, which I'm fairly certain a resounding 100% of my readers do, it's an interesting article. Basically, it's about some college kid who felt that beer should be able to be poured from taps faster, without all the head, and without wasting so much beer. So he invented something that did just that, and stands to make a lot of money. I could write more, but I don't feel like it, so just read the article. It really is interesting. . . .

Magical Weenies and Transformers

Miraculous things are always happening in Myanmar (Burma to those who prefer to call it such). I'm not sure what miraculous things (other than the one I am about to introduce you to), but they definately take place there. It seems mystical. The military rule alone seems positively magical. With that, I bring you the latest miracle in Myanmar: a woman who "miraculously" grew a penis and is now a man. Um, yeah. According to chicken seller Thin Sandarin:

"On the morning of the full moon day of June 21, I noticed my thing (sex organ) was not the same as before," Thin Sandar, who now goes by the male name Than Sein, said on Wednesday.

"And my breasts disappeared," Than Sein added. "So I called out and showed it all to my mom and dad. It was very strange."

Very strange indeed. I wonder how that conversation went? "Mom, Dad, I've got something to tell you. See, last night I had a fully functional vaginer, today, a willie. Also, my boobies are gone. Crazy, I know, but neato huh?" I'm not sure that I truly buy this story, but I'll let you judge for yourself. Unfortunately (or fortunately), no pictures. . . .

Unrelated, but awesome, note: Set your calender for July 4, 2007. According to this article, that's the set release date for Transformers: The Movie (note: there was already an animated transformers movie, but that doesn't count). Supposedly, Michael Bay will be directing with Stephen Speilberg as executive producer. Could be good.

I must say, Transformers was by far my favorite cartoon as a kid. I must have had all the different Transformers and Decepticon toys and I played with them everyday. I remember the Optimus Prime toy that I had. That thing was awesome. The cab turned into Optimus Prime, and the trailer was some sort of lab. Bad ass. Here's what Optimus Prime looks like (note: this picture is from the future, when Optimus Prime becomes President of the USA, so if you don't want to know the future, don't look). Optimus Crime - keep an eye on this. . . .

Crap on Ebay

Some guy on ebay is auctioning off a bag full of marshmallows only from several boxes of Lucky Charms. It looks to be a few pounds of marshmallows. Currently, bidding is over $65. This really goes to show that you can sell anything on ebay. I wonder how much money you could make just auctioning off crap like this.

Anyway, if I was still 10, and had $80, I think I would bid on this. Currently however, as I mentioned before, my favorite cereal is Cocoa Krispies. Ummm.

Three Random Things....

I was going to put these in order of importance, but I've thought about it, and I have no idea what that order would be. Instead, I'll randomly put them in order. Deal with it.

1) On Friday (July 15), Chick-Fil-A is giving a free combo meal to anyone dressed like a cow. You don't have to be in an actual cow costume. Dressing from head to toe in cow spots will suffice. Personally, I think Chick-Fil-A is awesome, and I could use a free meal, but I don't think I have either the inclination or the accoutremonts to dress up as a cow. Oh well. More info here.

2) A restaurant in Northern China is refusing to let Japanese patrons in to eat unless they first apoligize for Japan's wartime occupation of parts of China (World War II). I suppose that this is probably a bad idea, as it is based on race, governmental actions, politics, etc., but this approach might work in other situations. What situations? I leave that up to you. Article here.

3) Finally, NegativeMode and PositiveMode have decided to take on a bold new adventure in blogging (you may have picked up on this based on PositiveMode's cryptic comments to the posting below). In a ground-breaking move, PostiveMode and I have decided that our only form of communication will be through public blog. While we are both fairly certain that this will fail almost immediately, we feel the idea is to novel and provoking to pass up. The new site containing our communications can be found at www.johnburkeandme.blogspot.com. Please feel free to witness our experiment, and comment on our palaver.

Woodrow

Woodrow: Thanks! [ holds up script ] Okay, in this scene, you play Amanda Kiln, and I'll play the part of Dr. Jergens.

Kate Hudson: Okay. [ reads from script ] "Tell me, Doctor Jergens, is my liver gonna be okay?"

Woodrow: "No. No, it's not. Your liver has a brain tumor. It's serious."

Kate Hudson: "How serious?"

Woodrow: "Medical. That's how."

Kate Hudson: "Is it laryngitis?"

Woodrow: "Yes. You're going to die in.. in.. in a minute or so."

Kate Hudson: "Oh, God, this crazy world, Doctor, I'm scared!"

Woodrow: "You know, when I'm scared, I have a song I like to sing, and I want you to sing it with me.. [ singing ]
'Toasters and birds, little pigeon turds
Radio in my hair, it's really not there
Because I.. love.. you..'
Now, your turn.'

Kate Hudson: "Okay. [ singing ]
'Boogers and poop, dictionary soup
Run for the hills, we have to eat pills
And I.. love.. you..'"

Woodrow: "Now, both."

Kate Hudson: "Ah."

Together: [ singing ]
"'Mr. Rubber Face, I'm from outer space
Kibbles 'n Bits, tiny mouse tits
And I.. love.. you..
I.. love.. you..'"

Woodrow: This is it. This is where we kiss.

Kate Hudson: Like this? [ kisses Woodrow on the lips ]

Woodrow: See? You just made me piss my pants!

Blogging Made Simple

I've never mentioned this before, but there is one man out there who I truly despise more than all others. His tiny head and toned body taunt me from the television and yet I can't look away. He's a freak, a terribly annoying freak. He is John Basedow, of Fitness Made Simple Fame. I'm sure you know who he is if you watch cable television. He's always on there, dressed like some early 90's hulk with a pin-head trying desperately to hawk his product. I can't stand him. Apparently, neither can the main-stream media (albeit second tier main-stream media). In this article from the dailyrepublic.com, columnist Brad Stanhope (that's made-up if you ask me) expounds on the disturbing nature of John Basedow:

Basedow appears to be either an alien or some sort of computer-production by a crazed advertising genius. He has wavy, sand-colored hair and a boney face atop a body that looks like it came from somebody who swallowed a month's supply of steroids while living at the gym.

Is this perhaps a case where the bodybuilder has some hideous deformity, so they got some guy from accounting to become his new face? It looks as if they grafted Andy Gibb's head onto Lou Ferrigno's body (which you understand if this is still 1978).

Basedow continues to pitch product, his hair color changing regularly but his head staying wrong for his body. And rather than listen to the price or the benefits, I stare at his otherworldly appearance, wondering what happened.

I agree. Basedow is a freak and needs to be stopped. If you have no idea who John Basedow is, here's a link to a picture of him. I refuse to post his picture in this forum, because as I said, he just freaks me out. Creepy, creepy dude. . . .

Just a Thought

I think that if I was on Fear Factor, and I had to do one of those stunts where they put you in a coffin or other enclosed box and then fill it with cockroaches or other large bugs (not counting spiders), I would cry. I would try not to, but I really don't like large cockroaches. Hopefully, they wouldn't show it on camera.

Some Advice (compliments of Jack Handey)

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.

Ah, the Joy of the Internet

I haven't posted anything perverse or deviant for a while, and we all know that I find perverse and deviant quite amusing, so here you go. These are transcripts from cybersex chats between one Bloodninja (possibly related to Optimus Crime) and various online "girls" (in quotes because you never know these days). They pretty much consist of him being ridiculous, while the "girls" attempt to be sincere until they've had enough. They are fairly vulgar, so if vulgarity offends you, you may want to discoutinue reading for now (although, you wouldn't still be reading NegativeMode if vulgarity offends you). Some are mildly amusing, some are very funny. Here's an example of one I found pretty funny:

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f**king charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: F**k am I hard now.

Anyway, the link contains a lot of material, so it should keep you busy for a good 30-40 mintues at work, and really, that's why you're all here anyway, right?

You Want TEN PENS DJ Skuggs?

According to this informative and well researched article from PBS, all people with Southern accents are actually stupider than they sound, contrary to popular belief that they were simply just as stupid as they sound. Now don't go gittin' all ya'll's britches in a bunch DJ Skuggs, I made that up. The article is actually a very intersting discussion about the origin and spread of SAE (Southern American English) and various reactions to it across the country. An appropriate excerpt:

The most widely recognized phonological features of SAE are the merger of the vowels in words like pen and pin or ten and tin (the vowel in both words has the sound of the second member of the pair) and the loss of the offglide of the /ai/ diphthong in words like hide (so that it sounds like hahd). SAE is also characterized by a series of vowel rotations that William Labov (1993) has called the “Southern Shift.” Describing the shift would require an extensive technical phonetic descriptions of SAE vowels, but people can hear its most important feature simply by listening to Bill Clinton’s pronunciation of the vowel in way or stayed. The beginning of the vowel (which is a diphthong in SAE) will sound something like the vowel in father. Vowel differences such as these are hard to describe in non-technical terms, but they are what makes people immediately recognizable as speakers of SAE -- long before a might could, fixin to, or yall crops up in their speech.

Anyway, its an interesting read. I'm still searching for a study on the proper pronunciation of Harrisburg by Harrisburgers. . . .

Beer Me Please

Recently ratebeer.com performed a survey to determine the "World's Best Brewery" (survey here). The results are pretty interesting, but they don't seem to credible to me, as they are decidely skewed towards American beer, with two of the top three being from San Diego (that German for . . .). In fact, 7 of the top 10 are American, with two Belgium breweries and a British brewery rounding out the ten. I'd be willing to bet that if the survey was a random taste-test, with tasters from around the globe, only 2 or 3 American beers would make the top 10. Anyway, that's all just musing and conjecture on my part, so who really knows. I would like to point out that Harrisburg, PA's own Troegs made the list at number 26. That's a fine, fine beer.

NegativeMode Survey: In the spirit of beer drinking (and I know for a fact that most of you drink beer like it's water) and fostering conversation and scientific research, what is your favorite beer (or beers) readers? I'll start the discussion: Sam Smith Oatmeal Stout, Blue Moon Belgian White, Pabst Blue Ribbon (America's best in 1893). . . .

Antigravity Mode Off, Sir

It's quite an honor to be taken in here at NegativeMode while in exile from PositiveMode (or, The Blog We Do Not Speak Of). I will do my best to bring honor to this, the only remaining active Mode.

Don't you find it frustrating when your local government, possibly in the interest of allowing people to sleep off a day of drinking, hold the fireworks presentation on the third (or sometimes even the second) of July? It's an exceedingly common practice, and there's nothing particularly wrong with celebrating on a different day; however, it results in lots of awkard "Happy Fourth of July!, er, third, but you know what I mean..."-type of situations. We should probably amend the Constitution to allow Congress to ban Fourth of July celebrations on any day other than the actual Fourth.

Note, as you watch your baseball games and what nots during this holiday that when the National Anthem is peformed, it does, in fact, end with a question. It's not usually sung that way, though. Is it possible to sing a question?

Remember, as Lisa Turtle so importantly reminded us, the Fourth means "fun, fireworks, and 50 percent off at all major department stores."

Happy Fourth of July!

Product of the Day - Perfect Sideburns?

Today's product of the day - Perfect Sideburns. This product is designed for men (or women, the site points out) to create the perfect sideburns. Just check out these perfectly sculpted sideburns on the sample page. The thing is pretty much a pair of glasses with a sideburn stencil on either side. I suppose it's a good enough idea for those retarded enough not to be able to control a razor.

Where the Perfect Sideburns really shines though is in its ability to create perfectly sculpted ridiculous sideburns, such as mutton chops, the hulihee, or the franz-josef (after looking at that link, tell me, what is it that facial hair is always, without fail, so amusing?). Sweet. Now if only I can find a picture of someone wearing the Perfect Sideburns and the HooterShooter at the same time. . . .

A Pilot Reborn?

This story, reported by ABC News, is about a young boy who's parents are convinced that he's actually a reincarnated WWII fighter pilot who was shot down by the Japanese over Iwo Jima. If that sounds a bit out there for you, that's probably because it is. But read the article, it's actually very interesting and certainly sounds like it's true. Of course, it raises the very interesting concept of whether or not people actually are reincarnated. Personally, I like to think that they are. It makes more sense to me than heaven (which I think is just way to complicated, but that's another post). Anyways. . . .

Two Modes Divided Cannot Stand

As you may or may not have noticed, just to the right of this posting (if you are reading it while it is fresh), there are now two contributors listed, myself, and PositiveMode himself, Bill Walsh. Since the demise (demise may not be the proper description, as it was a conscious effort to stop) of PositiveMode, NegativeMode was left without the ying to its yang, the Sonny to its Cher, the Oveur to its Unger. This was unacceptable, but luckily, NegativeMode was able to coax PositiveMode to become a contributor. So PositiveMode, some may say that you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

Welcome you to the other side. Please feel free to enlighten us with your musings, suppositions, caprices, etc. as often , or as rarely as you'd like.

Checks out in positive mode sir, checks out in negative mode sir.

Hooter Shooters

Wow. That's really all that I can say. That wouldn't be a good blog entry though, so I'll expound on my "wow". An Ohio Company (more specifically, some guy named Eddie) had a brilliant/disturbing/profitable/titillating idea while watching hot chicks serve shots to bestotted bar patrons one night. The idea was something to the tune of, and I'm paraphrasing/guessing here, "Wow, I sure love doing shots. And you know what, I sure love the boobies. Wouldn't it be great, if instead of breast-milk, alcohol came out of said boobies, and I could get drunk off of this alcohol squirting boobie?" Well, thanks to Eddie, now you can!

Check out HooterShooters (the link may not be safe for work, as it contains pictures of fake boobies). HooterShooters are fake boobs that hot (would be extremely un-effective on homely bar-maids) chicks who sell shots at bars wear. The fake boobies are made to look just like real boobies, except that when the wearer depresses some sort of pump, alcohol comes out of her boobies, and into the mouth of the bar patron who paid for the privilege. It's actually quite ingenious, and to top it off, each set of boobies comes with a matching novelty outfit, e.g., referee, firewoman, gangter, etc.

The idea here, is that guys like boobies and alcohol, so why not get your alcohol out of some nice big boobies. Personally, I think its a great idea when used in the proper forums. College bars, bachelor parties = good. Weddings, baby showers, office parties = bad. Anyway, there really is no way to tell how excellent, or creepy, this invention actually is without some field testing, so, as your loyal blogger, I will volunteer to personally do as many shots as I can next time I see the HooterShooter in use at a bar.

I strongly recommend you to check out the website, becaues the visuals can't be beat. I would have loved to post a picture, but I don't want to get anyone in trouble at work. Enjoy. . . .