How to Win in Business: Choose Scissors

If you owned a $20 million dollar art collection, and you couldn't decide whether you should have Christie's or Sotheby's auction off your collection, how would you choose the winner? If you're Tashi Hashiyama, you have the two most prestigious auction houses in the world play Rock, Paper, Scissors, winner take all. As reported by Yahoo News:

Japanese art collector Tashi Hashiyama was unable to decide which of the prestigious auction houses should handle his collection, which featured works by Picasso, Van Gogh and Cezanne, and had them play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to decide, Nicholas Maclean said.

"The way in which collections are won sometimes rest on the tiniest little decision, and the owner of this collection could not decide between the two big houses," said Maclean, Christie's international director for Impressionist and Modern Art.

Even more interestingly, apparently the Japanese use RPS to decide all kinds of important decisions:

"In Japan it is not uncommon that a decision will be made where this game will be played," [Maclean] said."When (Hashiyama) mentioned this, we were not surprised. We've heard this before and we took it very seriously and we started researching."

And how did they start researching? Well, Maclean asked his children, and they agreed that scissors was the way to go. Aren't you glad that you went to business school?

Note: For those of you who would like to get further involved in the world of Rock, Paper, Scissors, please check out the World Rock, Paper, Scissors Society. Their site contains basic RPS strategy, advanced RPS strategy and information about the 2005 International RPS Championship. Good stuff.

Also, check out the fantastic trailer for Rock, Paper, Scissors: The Movie, due out some time this year (you need to have quicktime installed).

Positive Pronouncement Pleases Pennsylvania Parking Perpetrators

Chuck Pascal is NegativeMode's hero of the day (on a side note, I am NegativeMode's alliteration-hero of the day, which, while not as prestigous, is still a-okay) Why? He challenged a $5 parking ticket in Butler, Pennsylvania, won, and took down the whole system in the process. According to Pittsburgh's WTAE-TV:

Pascal showed that Butler was in violation of a state law that requires parking meters to be certified as accurate every three years. Now, cities and towns are clamoring for the state's Division of Weights and Measures to certify their meters. The division, which has to inspect everything from gasoline pumps to delicatessen scales, is overwhelmed. Butler has stopped writing tickets until its meters are certified. So has Erie, at a cost of $2,000 a day in fines. At least two dozen municipalities are waiting for certification.

As far as I am concerned, that is simply brilliant. I get, on average, about one $30 parking ticket a month in DC, and I fight a good 50% of them, usually for some b.s. reason I come up with that day. I have yet to win one (I did get a parking violation in Arlington, VA thrown out through the use of my b.s.ing techniques). Unfortuantely, DC does not have such a regulation, not that I would have been smart enough to challenge a parking ticket on those grounds anyway.

So, to my loyal Keystone State readers: challenge those parking meter tickets, it looks like a pretty good way to save some money, and to the rest of you, check your local code to see if your state has a similar law. I, on the other hand, will continue my elaborate and cockamamy ruses in an attempt to avoid anymore meter violations, most likely, without any luck....

Albert Clifford Slater

As I was procrastinating today, I came across the website of Mario Lopez, most famously known as A.C. Slater from Saved By the Bell ("SBTB"). Mario (website found here) appears to be the only former major SBTB cast member who has his own, official webpage. While webpages dedicated to all of the cast members exist in one form or another (this is the best Zack Morris one), Slater's page is the only one that actually contains content actually written by said cast member (I have no doubt that Slater, and not some publicist actually wrote everything on that site. I mean, what else is he doing with his time?) Also, it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that Slater has some time on his hands to answer fan email. Check out these gems:

Diana writes:
Hey Mario, Wow... I just wanted to let u know that I LOVE U SO MUCH!!! I am ur biggest fan.....i print out every picture i see of u , i have all of them on my school folder, everyone thinks i am obsesed. I think that if i ever see u i will Faint .. or have a heart attack, and not have the time to meet u cuz im on the floor , well my questions are. How do you keep that sexy body in shape? and are you ever planning to visit Palm Springs CA? if u are . ill be waiting to show you around. thanks I LOVE U
Love, Diana

Mario responds:
"Wow! I hope you don't faint or have a heart attack! I appreciate your support. I excercise a lot, but I focus mostly on boxing. I was actually in Palm Springs a little while ago. Thanks for your questions!"

Bill writes:
"Dear Mario: I would love to see you do a Calandar one of these days while you still have those hot looks and great body. It would be in much demand and a total see out that's for sure. I know many guys and girls who would have you on their doors and walls. Hey please do it. What do you think? In the mean time please have a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. Your fan for life,
Bill."

Mario responds:
"Thanks for checking out the website. I'm meeting with some people to try and get a calender out for 2005. It will be on sale at the website so keep checking back!"

Those are actual fan letters, from the website. Check them out for yourself. (Note who the second letter is from. I just happen to know that the writer and creator of PositiveMode, who happens to be a huge SBTB fan, is named Bill . Coincidence? Hope you get that Slater wall calander you've always wanted Bill!) Anyway, check out Mario's site and ask him a question or two, I'm sure he'll have time to respond.

Today is: National Shirmp Scampi Day

Today, April 29th, is National Shrimp Scampi day. I'm not really sure what sort of festivites you are supposed to partake of on National Shrimp Scampi (hereinafter NSS) Day, other than, I suppose, eating Shrimp Scampi. Also, the creators of NSS Day failed to take into account Passover, which doubly precludes any Jews from participating in this joyous occasion (I say doubly because those Jews who truly keep kosher (not just Passover Kosher) don't eat shrimp to begin with, as it isn't kosher).

Anyway, Happy NSS Day to all my readers. I hope this day of celebration finds you in good health, and with easy access to some shrimp. For a list of other slightly-off holidays celebrated in April, click here, and as a head's up, tomorrow is National Hairstyle Appreciation day, so make sure to tell a stranger their coiffure is absolutely to die for....

Are You Kidding Me?

A Norwegian man just won a case against a woman accused of raping him. What did this heinous crime entail? The man, 31, fell asleep on the sofa, and woke up to find that the woman, 23, was avidly performing fellatio on him. According to the woman, the man was willing and smiled. Either way, she was charged with rape, sentenced to 9 months in jail and ordered to pay a $6385 fine (read the full article here).

There's really not much commentary that I can add other than what the title of this post already expresses. The only conclusion I can come to (no pun intended) is that this woman was terribly unattractive. I mean, she must have been absolutely beastly. But even then, would you (my male readers) charge her with rape? One can only hope that they fall asleep on the couch and wake up to such a surprise. Most guys (absolutely DJ Skuggs) would enjoy the "favor", make sure no one ever knew about it, and go on with life. At the most he should have told her to wait one minute, downed some Jack Daniels, and gotten back to business. Case closed.

On a side note, it seems that NegativeMode has been dealing quite a bit with deviantstream media (how's that one ModeWatch?) recently. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but at the risk of becoming predictable and repetitive and repetitive, I will try and get back to a healthy mix of obscurestream and deviantstream media. And that, as they say, is that.

Mainstream News Comes to NegativeMode

If you look to your right and slightly down (assuming that you are reading this post while it is still fresh (mind you, it's always "fresh", just not always the most recent, but that's just semantics)), you'll see a heading entitled "Read Your Local Newspaper". Clicking on said drop-down results in a global selection of newspapers for you to choose from.

I have decided to add this unique (as compared to PositiveMode) feature for your convenience. As you are most likely aware, NegativeMode does not concern itself with the mainstream media (as is represented by the newspapers which are now immediately accessable by you). NegativeMode is concerned only with sidestream and obscurestream media, if you could say that NegativeMode is concerned with any media at all. While that is all well and good, I know that many of you out there enjoy mainstream media, and so I wanted to make sure you could get your fix upon completing your NegativeMode perusal for the day (or appropriate section thereof).

I am well aware that my newspaper selection at this point is wanting, and, as this feature is for you, I welcome your requests for newspapers to be added to the menu. Let me know and your wish shall be granted....

My How Things Have Changed...

As yet another example of how things have changed in the scant eight years since I have graduated from high school (see also my comments on "ass clevage"), the BBC today reported on a growing trend among British high school students of engaging in "daisy chaining." (Immediate and important side note: in this article, "daisy chaining" is used to refer to group sex. Now, maybe I'm a bit more perverse than some (certainly not DJ Skuggs), or Americans in general are more crass than the Brits, but I had always been under the impression that a "daisy chain" was a very specific form of group sex (if you're curious as to what, check out UrbanDictionary's definition. NegativeMode will not delve that far into depravity ... yet). This article does not refer to that specific kind of group activity, so rid your filthy head of it right now.) The BBC reports that:

Nurses warn daisy-chaining, where acts are performed with multiple partners, puts teenagers' health at risk. . . . As we understand it, it involves groups of older teenagers going round to each other's homes and having sex in a similar way as swinging. It is very new and is only just starting to be talked about.

Well, it must be new, because not all too long ago I was an older teenager, and the only "going round to each other's homes" was to try and find some alcohol stashed in various liquor cabinets. I can assure you, dear reader, that I neither saw, nor was aware of, any swingin' goin' on. I guess I really missed the boat on that one.

The article also reports that teenagers can sell sexual favors. Now, I don't know anything about selling, but I've been trying to give away sexual favors for years, and let me tell you, takers are few and far between. More importantly, why hasn't this behavior caught on in law school yet? About the most lacivious thing I've seen in the past three years is a heated discussion of the dormant commerce clause. I can just see the headline in 2015: MPRE Scores Down as Law Students Increasingly Engage in Group Sex. What a difference ten years makes. . . .

I'll Haunt You, Be Forewarned

According to this article in Victoria, Australia's Herald Sun, a motorcycle thief stole some poor dead guy's motorcycle after he crashed it. Chris Cowton (R.I.P.) crashed his motorcycle into a ditch last Saturday, killing himself in the process. His motorcycle went off the road. When his body was found later, the bike was gone. I swear (assuming that there is some sort of afterlife, and I'll be able to haunt people from said afterlife), that if I kill myself (knock on wood) on my motorcycle, and someone steals my bike from the accident scene, I will haunt your ass until you end up in an insane assylum. Just a warning....

Continuing Education: Ph.D in BJs

On May 4th, during the San Fransisco Sex Worker Festival, members of the world's oldest profession will be able to take refresher courses at the one and only Whore College, presumably to brush up on their fellatiaitc, sodomatic, and orgasmic skillz. You can even get a scholarship. I have no idea how you apply, but I'm guessing you'll need to provide more than a 500 word essay.

The morning class, "Sex Worker Well-Being," includes sex worker stretches (legs? back? jaws?), Safer Oral Sex Techniques (Note to PositiveMode: I'm not sure, but I believe use of teeth results in a failing grade), "'Six Herbs that Can Cure Anything' with a focus on genital health" (apparently, while the rest of the world has no cure for herpes, HIV, or AIDS, these hookers can cure anything with just six herbs. Sweet!), and Spiritual Tools (Instructor: Aphrodesia (seriously)).

The early afternoon class is Self-Defense, including boundary roleplays. Now, I know most of us have a problem with people crossing personal boundaries that we set up, and personal space is not to be trifled with, but how does a boundary roleplay between two whores go? "Excuse me, you've only paid to grope X, Y, and Z, how dare you lick A?" "I'm sorry, here's an additional $17, hope that clears up any problem." "Sure does, lick away." I'd imagine it's something like that.

Other afternoon courses include a panel discussion on Beauty Standards (sorely needed in the biz as DJ Skuggs has informed me), the Business (they still need an instructor for "Legal Standards", so all you law students out there looking for some extra income, this may be the way to go, although I don't know if they pay with cash....), and Advanced Courses in Sexuality and Erotic Touch (I guess it's assumed that they're all beyond a rudimentary level). The day is then capped of with a DIY Webcam class, just to make sure these whores are able to move into the 21st century.

So, there you have it. The web page mentions nothing about a diploma, but where would these prostitutes hang it anyway?

Do The Chickens Have Large Talons?

"What's a liger?"

"It's pretty much my favorite animal . . . bred for its skills in magic."

The animal you see pictured above is none other than Zita, a female liger, and one of two cubs born from a cross between a female Bengaleese tiger and an African lion at Novosibirsk Zoo (Russia) last summer (read full story here). Apparently Zita weighs 50 kilos (I have no idea how many pounds that is, nor do I care to google the conversion), and feeds on meat, milk, eggs, and other foods that large cats enjoy snacking on. No word yet on Zita's magic skillz. . . .

Is That Bologna In Your Pants. . . .

According to CNN, US customs agents stopped a man attempting to smuggle 854 pounds of bologna into the United States from Mexico (full story here). Apparently, processed bologna rolls cost about $7 or $8 dollars in Mexico, but can be sold for four times that here in the US. The hombre had 80 rolls in his suitcases.

I've heard of smuggling cocaine, marijuana, animals, etc., but never bologna. I wonder if this sort of thing goes on regularly. Is there a smoked meat black market (there actually was a fairly significant black market for meat in both the United States and Europe during WWII)? I'm a big fan of Wunderbar Bologna which retails at Giant Foods for $2.99/lb. I always thought that was dirt cheap compared to the $8.00/lb. smoked turkey. Apparently I should have been buying my bologna in Mexico for .80/lb. Damnit, I've really been getting screwed in my bologna purchases. Weed can't possibly be marked-up that much too, can it?

Ahhhh, Refreshing

I haven't posted a picture in a while (I feel that they beautify NegativeMode), so here's a picture of my favorite beer. Nothing like a cool, refreshing glass of Vergina on a hot summer day. Much love to ebaumsworld for the picture. If you want to see more superbly named foodstuffs, e.g. JussiPussi, Big Nuts and Mini Cockmann's, check them out here.

The Next Big Thing

During the late 90's, early 00's (aughts?) Asian characters (Kanji, katakana, etc.) were all the rage. People were getting tatooed with various phrases ("peace", "integrity", "douchebag", etc.), the symbols were on t-shirts -- Asian symbols were the "it" thing. I know that I own at least two t-shirts with Asian characters on them, and I have no idea what either of them says, although I think one says "dragon"(but could just as easily say "spigot"). Anyway, as the pop cultural appeal of these symbols wears itself out (too bad those tatoos are for life, huh?), I've been trying to determine what the next foreign alphabet trend will be, so that I can get while the gettin's good (by that I mean, do nothing)(As an aside, here's a webpage with actual Kanji tattoos and their real meaning).

Without further adoo, the next big foreign alphabet trend it going to be . . . cyrillic (the Russian alphabet). I actually came to this conclusion several years ago, but I didn't have a blog then, so I've been ruminating on it to myself for some time now. Thus far, pop culture has done nothing to support my preminitions, but it's coming, I can feel it (I just did a google search for "cyrillic t-shirt" and got about two shirt choices. Searching for "kanji t-shirt" on the other hand yields about 3.47 million shirts. Still, I stand by my gut feeling.).

Now that communism has gone by the wayside (I realize that this is a gross mistatement, but its fine for the purposes of this blog. What I'm really refering to is the fall of the Soviet Union), it seems that enough time has passed for capitalists to snatch valuable cultural icons and make some money. The cyrillic alphabet seems like the perfect choice. I also think that the cyrillic alphabet is the most logical choice as the new pop-culture alphabet. Hebrew is too Jewish, and let's face it, not everyone in this world likes the Jews. Arabic faces a similar dilemma. In this day and age where anyone with Arabic features on an airplane is viewed with suspicion, it seems like a bad idea to have random Arabic words on your clothes, or worse yet (from The Man's viewpoint), your skin. I suppose that Greek is another option, but that seems too innocuous and a bit acropolian.

Russian, on the other hand, is bad ass. Who wouldn't want "тупоугольный"("obtuse-angled") on her lower back, or "иллюминатор" ("porthole") on his bicep? Nothing attracts the opposite sex like a carefully placed cyrillic word or phrase. So, I'm fairly certain that Russian is the next big thing. What that means to society, I'm not sure, but mark my words, within the next two years Urban Outfitters, Abercrombe, and the rest will be pushing cyrillic wares, and you'll have heard it at NegativeMode first.

Time Wasters: 2 For the Price of One

I'd be remiss if I didn't immediately post a link to one of the best internet games I've ever been privy to, so here it is . . . Saved By Your Balls. In short you play the part of one of the Saved By The Bell (college-years not included) characters. Your goal is to raise $5000 in the course of a day at Bayside High. The only ways to make money are, for the most part, whoring yourself out to various SBTB characters (beware of STDs) or selling drugs. Spectacular, entertaining, actually quite challenging, and a great way to pass time when you should be studying for law school finals (or working, or anything else you should be doing).

Much love to JewishBuddha for sending me the link. He has been rewarded with his very own link to his blog (very entertaining btw) right here on NegativeMode (there it is, just to your right). I've actually been meaning to put a link to his site up for a while now, but what can I say, I'm lazy and this is a good excuse.

So my dear readers, you're actually getting two time wasters for the price of one today: an amazing SBTB game, and an eloquently written blog by none other than JewishBuddha. Enjoy, and let me know if you beat the game.

Rosenblog (The Summer Me?)

As you may or may not have noticed (most likely not), I've added a new link to NegativeMode. That link is to Matt Rosenberg's Rosenblog. I discovered Rosenblog earlier this week through a concerned message sent to me from PositiveMode (PositiveMode was fearful that perhaps I had been blogging well before the start of NegativeMode and that said blogging would have placed me several parsecs (I'm not sure how you measure distance in the blogosphere, so I've chosen parsecs (equal to 3.26 light-years) for now) ahead of him in the blogosphere).

At first, I wasn't sure what to make of Rosenblog. Had I actually been blogging all along, without any memory of it? What if I really was a serial bloggist but had somehow compartmentalized each of my various blogs in separate parts of my, what turns out to be insane, mind? Was someone trying to usurp my name and likeness in hopes of world (and blogosphere) domination? Each of these options was quite troubling to me.

In hopes of finding an answer, I've gone to Rosenblog several times and perused it with the appropriate amount of care. I've even emailed Matt Rosenberg to discuss Rosenblog. My research has yielded one of the following two answers:

a) There is a second (more correctly, first, as that Matt Rosenberg is older than this Matt Rosenberg), more prolific, experienced, and insightful Matt Rosenberg who has been blogging at Rosenblog (and other spots) for several years now.

b) I am completely insane and have created multiple blogging personalities, going as far as to write and recieve emails from Matt Rosenberg to Matt Rosenberg. I am, at least, sane enough to know that the other personality is made up, because that personality is in Seattle and has a differently named father (it just occured to me that, even though I'm in Virginia, maybe I am the made up personality. Maybe I'm really sitting somewhere in Seattle right now pretending that I am a 25 year-old law student in Virginia. That may sound strange, but what would you expect to get coming from a completely insane, multiple-personalitied blogger?)

So, those are my choices as I see it. I'm really hoping that "a" is the correct answer, because I find "b" extremely disconcerting. The more I think about the second option, the crazier I convince myself that I am. I'd ask for my readers' thoughts on this matter, but really, who's to say that my readers aren't just more personalities that I've created strictly for the purpose of commenting on my various blogs? That would be even more insane, but also just as likely. Either way, you should read Rosenblog, because Matt Rosenberg (either both of us or all one of me (or one of him)) is quite entertaining. I need to go take my medicine....

Legal Ethics Update

My regular readers know that just yesterday I posted a story about an attorney who sent nude pictures of himself to his 17 year old lady-client. That lawyer is currently facing up to 11 years in jail and possible disbarment. As I warned you all yesterday, don't send naked pictures of yourself to your clients (and offer to videotape the two of you having sex), it's unethical.

What is completely, 100% ethical, according to the California bar, is to work as a criminal defense attorney by day and porn star by night. According to the AP (Read the entire article here), LA attorney Ronald S. Miller "does more than file his briefs -- he also takes them off." Ronnie, a.k.a. Don Hollywood, is a porn star, and has appeared in "Justice Your Ass", "Blow Job Adventures of Dr. Fellatio 20", "Johnny Cockman Attorney at Law", and "Young and Anal 24", among other titles (See Ron's filmography here). Good for you Ronnie!

Upon doing some more research, I've discovered that Attorney Miller is not ashamed whatsoever (why should he be?) by his night job. He currently runs a rather graphic website at www.dirtyoldlawyer.com. Feel free to check it out, but I've gotta warn you, should you chose to enter, you'll see more of Don Hollywood than one should ever see of one's lawyer (again, we didn't cover this in Professional Responsibility, but I've got a hunch about this one, just trust me).

So, to sum it up: email sex-solicitations to young clients = no, no. Moonlighting as a porn actor = no problem. Keep on truckin' (fuckin'?) Ron!

Lunch -- A Proud Achievement

I'm going to have Chef Boyardee Meat Ravioli for lunch today. A while back (probably almost a year now) I purchased one of those 8 or 10 or 12 or 18 packs that they sell at Costco. For a while I was eating it at work. But that was last summer. Last week I ate the second to last one, and today I will eat the last one.

I know it seems silly, but I consider it a minor accomplishment, and really, what is life but a series of minor accomplishments and failures (I realize that there are also major accomplishments and failures, but its the same thing, just different scale)? I will finally be rid of that enormous multi-pac that has been in my kitchen since last year (and survived an apartment move) and that is something for me to be proud of.

Through that multi-pack I will have consumed roughly the sodium content of the Bay of Biscane (I did the math, and that's the salt-water body closest to containing the amount of salt I have consumed through said ravioli) and the fat of an entire cow. I'm still here to tell about it. More importantly, that evil Boyardee will no longer be staring back at me with that strange smirk on his face, mocking me for purchasing such an absurd quantity. Well, the joke's on you Boyardee, 'cause I'm done with you and your Ravioli for (dare I say it) good! Your sallow eyes and well-kempt, salt and pepper moustache be damned, I'm free.

Advise to All My Fellow Almost-Lawyers....

Do not, I repeat, do not, send naked pictures of yourself to your clients once you all become distinguised members of your respective state bars next year. Apparently (although I don't remember this being covered anywhere in Professional Responsibility), sending a 17 year-old high school student client of yours naked pictures of yourself with an accompanying note offering to videotape the two of you having sex is highly discouraged by most state bars and could even land you in the Big House (note the capitalization of Big House. I am referring to prison, not the big house you hope to purchase shortly after paying off your student loans.).

According the the Olympian (04/10/2005, read it here), Olympia, Washington's leading newspaper, Olympic (?) Attorney Roland T. Hunter did exactly what I have just implored you not to do. What does Hunter get from his lovely email solicitation? Up to 11 years in jail and possible disbarment, NOT videotaped sex with at 17 year old (which would be MUCH better).

Just consider this a friendly reminder that if you're going to send naked pictures of yourself to a minor client, make sure to cover your face in the picture, create a fake email address, and use a go between among other things. . . .

NegativeMode's Foray Into Etymology

I have a mild fascination with word and phrases and their history, i.e., etymology. As such, I've decided to make etymology a minor theme on NegativeMode (please be aware that I may totally forget about this and you may never see it again. Such is life.). If you have no interest in this, well, I suppose you could skip reading this post, but really, that would just prove to us all that you're a dolt . . . so read on.

I don't consider myself a very superstitious person, but something that I find myself doing all the time is "knocking on wood". I have a theory that you can only knock on wood once a day, or else the second or third knock will override the previous knock, thereby ruining your previous knocking and making the process all for naught. That's my own theory though, and although I can point to no evidence that backs it up, it just seems right to me. Anyway, I was curious as to why I "knock on wood" when I want "good luck to be willing", so I did some research. Apparently, no one has a good reason as to why we knock on wood, but here are the three most common explainations for this strange superstition. . . .

1) One theory is that it originated in the middle ages when there were in circulation, pieces of the Holy Rood or Cross on which Jesus was crucified. To touch one of these was supposed to bring good luck hence touch wood for good luck.

2) The Druids, who worshipped trees, especially Oaks, wore a piece of Oak around their neck to ward off evil spirits. Hence touch wood for good luck. (I think that this is the correct one, although again, I have nothing to back that up. It just makes the most sense to me.)

3) You knock on wood because of those wily Wood Sprites. In medieval times, people believed in mischievous creatures known as sprites. Sprites are actually spirits or ghosts who were reputed to enjoy causing trouble and wreaking havoc in the lives of the living. Among the most mischievous were wood sprites. If you were to mention something good, the wood sprites would try to foul it up. The thought was that if you knocked on the wood when you said these things, the wood sprites would not be able to hear you because of the knocking sound. Hence they would leave you alone. (On second thought, this makes sense to me too. Really, I just find the Jesus one to be poppycock, but maybe that's because I'm a Jew. (I also sort of believe in wood sprites, gnomes (especially underpants gnomes), and leprechauns.))

Anyway, that's the disputed history of why we knock on wood. I have no idea if any of you find this interesting other than me (please let me know if you do, as I have some other interesting phrase origins ready and waiting for your perusal). Hopefully, you were all quite intrigued. Knock on wood. . . .

Congrats Benedict XVI - Pope 'em Up Good!

I'm glad that the Cardinals were able to choose a new Pope so quickly. I'm not really sure why, but I felt slightly disconcerted that there was no Pope for the last few weeks. Now that we have a Pope again, I feel much better. That may not make sense, seeing as how I'm Jewish and all, but it seems like such a waste to have no one to wear that snazzy outfit. I mean, look at that thing: the robe, the hood, the scarf. You can tell that some serious craftsmanship went into the production. To think that no one would be wearing it, well, that's like me dying and no one wearing my Phat Farm velor sweatsuit. It's just a waste. Seriously though, congratulations to all you Catholics who once again have a direct conduit to the Almighty. Let's just be glad that said conduit wasn't elected until 60 years after WWII. Had Hitler known he had the future Pope on his side in the 40's, things could have turned out a lot worse....

Ass Cleavage

The temperature is supposed to reach almost 80 today, and as beautiful weather is want to do, it has lured the befrocked women out hiding and into their summer wardrobes. That got me thinking. It is cleavage season. And by that, I mean in the pectoral sense. This time of year always brings out "the twins". It did when I was in high school, it did when I was in college, and it continues to do so today.

What didn't come out in high school and college was the ass cleavage. When did this phenomenon take place? I know when I was in high school in the mid-nineties there was nary an apple-bottom in sight. Asses were supposed to be small (Sir Mixalot notwithstanding) and they were most definitely supposed to be covered. Even in college in Happy Valley, where summer brings out 10,000 pieces of eye-candy between the ages of 18 and 22 I don't really remember that much upper-ass crack basking in the sun. All of a sudden (and I mean within the past two or so years), I see ass cleavage everywhere I look. I'm certainly not complaining. It's great (there is, of course, a limit to the greatness, as there is certainly such a thing as too much back, but the good ass-cleavage makes up for the bad ass-cleavage).

Anyway, I tried to do some internet research on ass-cleavage, and I was rewarded with twenty pages of porn listings (there is apparently a pornographic series "Ass Cleavage", and it goes up to at least Volume 3 as far as I can tell. You can order it, or read about it, here.). After narrowing my searches to non-porn listings (I'm in the cafeteria at school, so I'll have to "research" the porn listings in my "alone time"), I was able to come up with this article from Salon.com discussing the evolution of ass cleavage. It's very interesting and answered most of my questions. If you don't want to read it, fine, but ladies (all 3 of you who read this), don't forget...

"The derriere isn't a body part as much as an embodiment of personality"

"... the proper grooming of your behind no longer begins and ends at the gym. No, no: The newly revealed ass must be treated to an entire beauty regimen of its own. You must wax your bootie to eliminate all unsightly hairs that might peep from between your cheeks. You must massage your buttocks daily to "remove excess water and facilitate lymphatic drainage, causing the skin to plump, making dimpling less noticeable," says Elle. Your butt must be tan, but not sun-damaged, making G-string beach sessions problematic and self-tanning lotions a must. And don't forget to moisturize and exfoliate to eliminate embarrassing acne."

Ladies, please take heed to that advise, beacuse if you don't, I'll just have to go back to staring at your chest....

What the dilly yo?

So, some 13 year-old white girl was sent home from school because she had her hair in cornrows. Her hair was cited as being too "extreme" for the school's strict uniform policy. The same school has no problem with black girls wearing cornrows because "it reflects their cultural heritage"(click here to read the full article)

I say "bravo" (Not to the "cultural heritage" thing. That's just an excuse. That girl was sent home because she probably looked downright goofy). White people look ridiculous with cornrows and I'm glad that the school is rooting out such evil. It's too bad schools don't send kids home from school for wearing bad glasses (e.g., DJ Skugg's license picture) or clashing outfits. "You look silly, go home and think about what you've done. Come back when you look normal again." It's like those white girls (and guys for that matter) who go down to the Caribbean and pay $45 to sit for 5 hours and get their hair braided. They look plain silly and this needs to stop (this may seem hypocritcal because I currently have what looks to be a minor afro, but upon closer inspection, it's really a jewfro (scroll down to see me with a full on 'fro), and therefore reflects my "cultural heritage". (I still have a velor sweatsuit though, so make of that what you will.)).

Anyway, to make a long story short, white people shouldn't have cornrows. If you don't believe me, just look....

Silly.

Sillier.

Silliest. As BrownBear would say "This needs to stop."

Spring Break Cruise - 2005

A few posts back, I wrote about man-dates. In that post, I made a brief mention of a man-cruise that I went on about a month ago for spring break. Well, I know you're all curious what us guys who went on that cruise look like, so I've decided to post a picture. The above picture is the seven of us (plus three other random guys) posing on the beach in Aruba.

Top Row from left to right: BrownBear, PositiveMode, Random (our cab driver), DJ Skuggs, Buddah, Random (he tried to sell us weed).
Bottom Row from left to right: Will, Me, Random (he was the life guard on duty) and TrinhDiesel.

I know that we all share one similar, and pretty amazing trait . . . yes, we were very tan, but you gotta remember, the sun is really strong down there. I apoligize for the blurriness of the picture, but you gotta admit, we're some pretty handsome guys!

This Blog is Not Malicious (to your computer at least)

According to the BBC, some people are creating blogs with the purpose of spreading viruses and other malicious whatnot to people's computers (Thurday, April 14, 2005 BBC.com article) "Websense said it had seen examples of some computer criminals creating a legitimate looking weblog, loading it with keylogging software or viral code, and then sending out the address of it through instant messenger or spam e-mail."

I just wanted to assuage any fears that you may have about NegativeMode being one of such sites. First off, I don't know where to get or how to use either keylogging software or viral code (Actually, I know of some skizzanks from whom I could get viral code, but that is neither here nor there (maybe it's there, but definitely not here)). Second, they key words in the proceeding quotes were "legitimate looking". NegativeMode is certainly not striving for any sort of legitimacy. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this blog is not legitimate looking, what with Vida's ass and Terri Schiavo pancakes. There is also a clip of Shatner, so that destroys any legitimacy.

So, for now you are safe. Continue to enjoy my loquatious musings and jibber-jabber. You know you can't stop.

NegativeMode's Foray Into Smut

So, Vida Guerra (above), the chick with the sweet ass (probably too big for PositiveMode's taste), apparently took (or had someone else take) dirty pictures of herself with her cellphone. Said pictures were then leaked onto the internet as such things are want to do. As a journalist (we bloggers are journalists, right?), I felt it was my duty to check out the authenticity of said pictures. Upon close inspection, said photos are definitely her, and definitely nekked. Normally, NegativeMode eschews sexually suggestive/explicit postings (not counting the sexy photos of First Officer Dunn and Your's Truly), but this link is a must have for my readers, especially DJ Skuggs (he's a closet pervert) and BrownBear (he likes apple-bottoms).

NegativeMode will not (at this point) post any NSW ("not safe for work") pictures, but has no problem providing you with the link to such pictures as NegativeMode feels that it is in my reader's best interst to look at pictures of hot, nude quasi-celebrities. Without further adoo ... hot nekked pictures of Vida from her cell phone (the link itself is most definately NSFW!).

Breaking News: Schiavo Appears on Pancake

I know this is wrong, but I feel it is my duty to post it here, and let you, the readers of NegativeMode, decide for yourself (as far as I can tell, most of my readers are deviants, so this will be quite amusing to them). Apparently Terry Schiavo has appeared on a pancake. She appears to be doing well though. Her family has asked that she be given syrup and butter, but her husband (he recently appeared in a waffle across town) has refused.

I would be going to hell for creating this, but luckily for my soul I got the picture from "The Werrz Generation", a fellow blogger.

NegativeMode to PositiveMode: "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting...."

Just to prove that NegativeMode is, at this point, better than PositiveMode, this link will provide the video of the groundbreaking William Shatner scene in Airplane II discussed in the 4.11.05 PositiveMode post entitled "Fate Can Play a Strange Game Sometimes, Lieutenant". While PositiveMode did an excellent job of scouring the virtual-globe in order to find the transcription of Shatner's scene (both the authors of PositiveMode and NegativeMode are in 100% agreement that Shatner's performance (and this scene in particular) is groundbreaking and amazing), only NegativeMode offers you visual and audio proof of its existence and brilliance. This will be particularly helpful for those of you who have not seen Airplane II (most likely most of you). In summary, PositiveMode = good, NegativeMode = super-teriffic.

I am not an alcoholic....

A week or two ago I went to the doctor for the first time in about two years. It was a new doctor, so I had to fill out one of those new-patient questionaires. Inevitably, one of the questions was how many drinks do you consume per week. This question always makes me feel like I drink too much, and I, as I'm sure many of you reading this do, rounded down quite drasticly in providing an answer. I went with six drinks a week. In order for that average to be correct, I'd probably have to quit drinking for 2-3 months. The real average is probably closer to 15 (keep in mind that's an average of weeks like spring break (80+ drinks) and weeks when I have a paper due (0-1 drinks).

The point of this little story is that things like that little question make me feel like I drink too much. Then I read a story like this, and I immediately realize that no matter how many 40 oz. bottles of liquor I tape to my hands, I don't have a problem . . . yet. The story from the 4.10.05 edition of the Buffalo News:

Brandy Theft Suspect Arrested with Straw

City police say a man stole a case of liquor from an East Side store, dropped and shattered the bottles as he fled, but later returned with a straw to suck up the booze that had pooled on the ground.

Thomas L. Hunter, 55, who does not have a permanent address, stole a case of brandy while a worker for Eber Brothers Wine and Liquor Distributors was making a delivery Friday afternoon to Eastside Liquor, 1819 Genesee St., according to Buffalo police.

Hunter ran down Genesee (Note the irony here. I originally thought that "Genesee" referred to the beer. Upon closer inspection, its just the street that served as this man's drinking platform -Ed.) with the brandy, which has a value of $270, but tripped and fell, smashing the case and the bottles on the ground, Officer Richard C. Lopez said.

Soon, Hunter reappeared with a straw, got on his knees and began sucking up whatever brandy he could, Lopez said.

Hunter tried to push Lopez and run away before he was arrested and charged with criminal mischief.

Reading that story makes me feel better about myself (note: this is not a commentary on homelessness or society's other problems although that is a strong undercurrent in this story that deserves its own entry. I, however, am not the one to write that entry. Maybe on PositiveMode). 15 drinks a week, or even 20, is much better than drinking spilt liquor off of a street named after a beer, and so I feel better.

Man-Date

Sunday's New York Times had an article entitled "The Man-Date" (special thanks to Brown Bear for sending me the link). The article defines a Man-Date as: "two heterosexual men socializing without the crutch of business or sports. It is two guys meeting for the kind of outing a straight man might reasonably arrange with a woman. Dining together across a table without the aid of a television is a man date; eating at a bar is not. Taking a walk in the park together is a man date; going for a jog is not. Attending the movie "Friday Night Lights" is a man date, but going to see the Jets play is definitely not."

I'm not quite sure what to make of this article, but it did require some self-introspection. I'm not sure exactly how many man-dates I've been on, but upon closer inspection, I think it's less that I might have originally thought. I don't know that I can ever remember going to a restaurant to eat with a man-friend that did not have sports playing or beer involved (it's certainly possible that it has happened, but I can't remember one). I know for a fact that I've never split a bottle of wine with a man (Quick side note: is sharing a bottle of port better? I think it is, but only slightly, and never when accompanied by a hissy fit.) A good example of a man-date would be as follows: Man 1, let's call him "Brown-Bear" and Man 2, let's call him "Buddah" sit down for a lovely piece of salmon, some veggies and wine. The meal is washed down with, you guessed it, a shared bottle of wine. That qualifies as a man-date I would think, although it was accompianied with some "special, happy-time" cigarettes, so I think that lessens the man-dateness. That's a lovely night at home though.

On the other hand, I don't know that I would necessarily qualify going to a movie with another guy as a man-date. I think the scale for judging the man-date factor is basicially how gay the activity seems (any sort of physical contact that involves the mouth or genetalia is no longer a man-date, that's just a gay date). Going to the movies with another man seems to be the least gay of all qualifying man-date activities. Couple that with getting stoned, and I don't think that you have a man-date anymore.

Finally, does going on a cruise with six other men count as one giant man date? There was a lovely dinner each night accompanied by low-lighting, no tvs, and wine (and the occasional bottle of port, hissy-fit not withstanding). However, I believe that each night, without fail, anywhere between 2 and 7 members of the group were drunk. That certainly lowers the man-date factor, as does the fact that it was a group man-dinner. I think that the cruise falls into category of man-vacation. It wasn't quite a man-date (although there were man-date qualities), but it wasn't completely beer-swilling heterosexuality either (see aforementioned hissy-fit). It was some sort of amalgam of testosterone-fueled spring break, man-date dinner and tropical vacation. Make of that what you will.

All in all, I think the man-date is a fine thing. I have no way to qualify that statement, but I just think its the truth. Perhaps I should go on more man-dates. Maybe this weekend Brown Bear, Buddah and I can have a nice turkey dinner....

10:00am EDIT: It just occured to me that I was completely wrong about not having been on a man-date. In fact, I participated in much worse than a man-date ... the feared and quite rare man-quasihoneymoon. I know that sounds really gay, and it probably is, but it was really just a matter of miscommunication between a travel agent and myself. In short, a man-friend and I went to St. Thomas for a week a few years ago as sort of a spring break, but in August. We got a good deal on the flight, so I called a travel agent to get some sort of all inclusive package at a hotel. She gets us a good deal and all is well. When we show up at the hotel, the woman behind the desk giggles and asks us if we want our t-shirts. Of course, we had no idea what t-shirts she was talking about. We were then informed that they were our "honeymoon t-shirts, of course." Apparently, the best deal she was able to get us was to book the honeymoon package which included a lovely suite, bottle of wine, flowers, bottle of rum and t-shirts. Of course, meals were included in the exclusive restaurant at the resort, which pretty much mandated (no pun intended) a man-date each night. It's all good though, because the man dates were followed up with going to clubs, and I hooked up a with a really hot chick that week (definately key because things were starting to feel a bit gay).

In conclusion, I was sorely mistaken about not having been on a man-date, as I was on a man-honeymoon. I did hook up with a hot chick though, so it was okay.

Man-date proof: The picture immediately below may or may not be a man-date. It is not from my man-honeymoon though, but rather the aforementioned man-cruise. I think I need to stop taking place in events that start with "man", but that is neither here nor there....

Proof of a Man-Date

Is this a man-date? I'll leave that for you to decide. They are drinking beer, and they had just finished a lovely meal accompanied by five other man-friends. If this is a man-date, then it would be an interracial man-date. Is that better or worse? I think it's better. What this world needs is more interracial man-dating. Man-date or not, we can all agree that it's a beautiful picture.

Kung Fu + Crack + Albino = Ninja Fun for the Whole Family

This guy can kick your ass. He is clearly one bad-ass ninja. I'm not sure if he has actual liquor in that CrownRoyal bag, if it a cod-piece, change purse or what. Still though, he could kick your ass on insanity alone.... Thanks to fark.com for the picture.

Breaking News: Pope Returns as Superhero Complete w/ Chastity Pants

Homosaywhat?

According to AZCentral.com, "Pope John Paul II is being reborn in a Colombian comic book as a superhero battling evil with an anti-Devil cape and special chastity pants." (the entire article is here) "Like any self-respecting superhero, the Incredible Popeman has a battery of special equipment. Along with his yellow cape and green chastity pants, the muscular super-pontiff wields a faith staff with a cross on top and carries holy water and communion wine. In the comic book, the pope dies and is reborn with superpowers beyond the infallibility Catholic doctrine gave him on Earth."

I don't really think that there's much I can add to this other than it makes perfect sense.

Oh, there is one other related Pope question.... How long can the Pope's body just hang out on a table in 80 degree Roman weather without some very unfortuante consequences? I mean, the Church has said that he was not embalmed (embalming would severely muck-up any process of sainthood), so that means he's just sitting there. I'm no coroner, but I know gases build up, fluids drain, and some other very unpleasant things happen to dead bodies. I'm no Catholic, but someone needs to keep an eye on this, or things could get messy. Here's an article that discusses some of these issues in case you're as concerned as I am (truthfully, the people in line without rain slickers should be the most concerned).

Negative Mode's Mission

I've decided that if this blog is going to work, and I actually want to keep up with it, that I should occasionally post things other than nonsense. So far, most of my postings have been rather mundane - describing the blog, the links, google maps, etc. Other posting were just silly. If you like that sort of thing, fear not, for the nonsense will still take up a majority of the site. However, I think that what people find far more interesting real, coherent thoughts. That's one of the reasons that I have a link to my friend Hunie's blog to your right. He's a good writer, and his entries are usually well thought out and often times quite poignant. He also posts pictures of Asians, and that's cool too (most are ninjas and therefore quite difficult to photograph).

Really, I just wanted to clear that up in case anyone out there is looking for some real depth from NegativeMode. It will be here soon. Possibly. Tschus.

Who is that confident, sexy man looking straight into your soul? Why, it's First Officer Dunn of course, the very man who inspired both NegativeMode and PositiveMode. And who was the first to bring you a picture of Dunn? I'll tell you one thing, it wasn't PositiveMode. The only thing PositiveMode could bring you was a "soul trapped in lucite". Whatever. I GIVE YOU DUNN. ALLLLRIGHT SIR! 

They Call Me SMOOTH....

Hello readers. Right before I'm ready to post, I make this face and look deep into the mirror, and therefore, into my soul. What do I usually see other than a sexy, sexy man? Not much other than a lot of hair. You know you want some.

Google Maps R-O-C-K in the USA

First off, just because the name of this site is NegativeMode (I also have taken to writing my blog name as a single word with two caps) does not mean the content will be negative. Commentor DJ Skuggs has requested NegativeMode's position on google maps, and hinted that the position would be negative. Wrong DJ Skuggs. The only thing that NegativeMode feels negative about is PositiveMode. That and babies. Now, on to the maps.

NegativeMode thinks that google maps absolutely rocks. In fact, I just today spent about an hour on google maps stalking various people I know. The map feature is good, but what really rocks the casbah is the "satellite mode" (Checks out in satellite mode, sir). You can look at your house, apartment, office building, intersection where you sleep (if you are homeless) from space. It is very cool and a great way to pass time.

Check it out at maps.google.com. Okay, this is a problem. As you can see, I can't make this stop being one gigantic link. Only maps.google.com was supposed to be a link. But I guess the rest of this posting will consist of a link. Obviously I'm still learning. Either way, you heard about google maps here first, not at positive mode.

Hope you're happy DJ Skuggs.

Positivemode jumps the shark

I don't really know what that means. What I do know is that positivemode.blogspot.com is reporting that negativemode.blogspot.come has sold out. Well, you may have heard it there first, but it isn't true ... yet. I have, indeed, looked in to selling out. If you want to call it that.

To clarify, blogspot has some sort of deal with google, whereby I, the blogger, sign some thing (as much as you can sign in cyberspace) and then google puts an advetising bar on the page. Then, if any of my readers click on the ads, I get something like 3 cents per click. Unfortuantely, I have approximately 4 readers, and I doubt any of them would click on the links. So it doesn't seem like selling out is quite worth it.

To be clear, I have not sold out yet (I didn't reply to the google email setting up the advertising account), but I have no problem doing so. Perhaps that says something about me, but honestly, I could use the money (I want a new motorcycle), so I have no problem whoring out negativemode to get some ducats (that's slang for money, see e.g., Govna LaDeaux).

In closing, positivemode may have broken the story, but it was a crappy story, and it didn't have all the details. So please, stay here, and if you're hungry for tripe and nonsense, only then go to positivemode.

Over Unger, Vector Victor, Rodger Rodger....

I shall now take the time to explain the name of the site, although I'm quite certain that fewer than one in 333 will find it to actually be interesting. If you don't think that you'll find it interesting, please don't read on, because I wouldn't want you to think that this is some sort of boring blog (it may, in fact, be a boring blog, but I wouldn't want you to base that assessment on this post).

Airplane! is one of my favorite movies. I think that most people can agree on that. What most people can't agree on is where Airplane II falls into the grand movie scheme of things. Some claim that it is the same exact movie, only set in space. Others claim that it is just plain tripe. Still others claim that it is even better than the first (usually due to the fabulous inclusion of one William Shatner).

Personally, if I had to choose solely between the three aforementioned categories, I would fall in the first, same movie set in space. Not to say that it's a bad thing, because I loved the first movie, so the same thing set in space can't be that bad. In fact, there are certain things in the second movie that are better than the first. One of those things is definately Shatner, who is awesome (if you don't agree with that, shame on you). Another of those things is the addition of a new character, the navigator of the space shuttle, a one First Officer Dunn (he doesn't have a last name as far as I can tell, if someone knows of a first name, please let me know). Dunn is a black guy with a moustache who says things in a nasely voice like "Alllright sir", "checks out in positive mode", and "checks out in negative mode". Those are pretty much his only lines and he gets sucked out of the side of the shuttle shortly thereafter (warning: that was a spoiler). I know this may not seem remotely funny to most of you out there, but if you're an Airplane! fan or Airplane II fan, you may find it mildly amusing. If you still don't find it amusing, get really high and then watch Airplane II. If that doesn't work, well, you're clinically depressed and you should see a doctor.

So, if you haven't figured it out yet, negative mode comes from the line "Checks out in negative mode." Also, I might as well explain the links on the side of the page now since it sort of ties in. The first link is to positivemode, another blog also based on a quote of First Officer Dunn. It's a pretty good blog, and at this point it is better than my blog, but it is my primary competition, and over the next few months I plan to slowly destroy it through any means necessary. They guy who runs it has freakishly long hair and looks like a muppet (not an insult, just a fact. And the muppet and hair comments are non-mutually exclusive.). The second link is to James A. Watson's IMDB listing. Mr. Watson was none other than First Officer Dunn in Airplane II, and the inspiration for this site. Finally, the last listing is to my friend Hunie's blog. It's interesting I suppose. Maybe not. Whatever.

That's it for now. One question though.... As a bloggist (what is someone who reads a blog? I'm a blogger, but are you a bloggist? blogian? blogista?) do you think my paragraphs are too long? I think that they might be. Also, I think the posts are too long. I'll try and do something about that. I also apoligize for the lack of color in this post.

Seacrest out.

Damn Blogging

I want to add links to the right side of the page, but I am too simple to do so. Instead, I will try to distract you with pretty colors. Maybe by the time the colors lose their appeal, I will have figured out how to add links. That will most likely be tomorrow though.

Checks out in Negative Mode

Welcome to my blog. I'd really love to write more for this first entry, but I have some things to do, so I'll have to write more in my second entry. As for the third entry, I can't say for sure whether or not that will be longer or shorter than the first or second entries, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, together.

I've started this blog as an ancillary to positivemode.blogspot.com. Maybe ancillary isn't the right word. Then again, maybe it is. I don't really care. What I do care about, is that this blog will be much better than positive mode (see, right there, that was better. Positivemode doesn't even have one word in color, let alone two!) While things often do check out in positive mode, they often also check out in negative mode. Just ask Dunn (I'll explain later in another posting).

Things you should know about me: I've been through trapeze "school" (it was only one day, but I learned two release moves), when I eat asparagus, my pee is quite pungent, I love to mime, and my favorite food is Mac and Cheese from Barbados. It has to be from Barbados. Anyway, that should be enough to pique your interest for now. If not, go check out cnn.com or something, because you clearly think you're better than me. Just so you know, YOU AREN'T.

Seacrest Out.