It Was This Big....

The friggin' huge catfish you see above is the worlds largest catfish, caught by some Thai fisherman from the Mekong River. It is 646 pounds, larger than both a grizzly bear and BrownBear. I suppose I should be writing in the past tense, because the fish was dinner for a whole lotta Thais. This news is all very timely, as last night I made blackened catfish for dinner. My catfish, I think, was much smaller. I only had a pound, and I doubt it came from a 600+ pound Thai catfish, but you never know. Either way, it was very good.

What does this posting have to do with anything? Well, I am fascinated with pictures of large fishes (seriously, I love to read about huge fishes). Also, I wanted to tell you about my lovely meal last night. You may now continue with your day. . . .

I'm So Pretty

Well, I took an animal quiz and apparently I'm a butterfly. I'm not really sure what to make of this assessment until I know what other people have been branded. So, what are you dear readers? Am I a butterfly? I am a handsome, handsome man. Anyway, my results:

You're a Butterfly!

Fragile and beautiful, you work as a good-luck charm for those
around you. People are always happy to see you and sometimes beseech you to reach
out to them as a blessing for their day. Though you are proud of your reputation,
you strive not to forget your own humble beginnings and remember that not so long
ago, everyone looked down on you. All you can do is appreciate the metamorphosis
you made now that you're on its good side. You adore stained-glass
windows.


Take the Animal Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Interesting Disease of the Day

Maple Syrup Urine Disease:

So named because it makes the urine smell like sweet maple syrup. It's a rare enzyme deficiency that if left untreated will lead to mental retardation. Through a severe diet that excludes meat, eggs and milk the disease can be kept in check. Read more here if you really want to.

Not to be confused with Stinky-Pee-Cause-I-Just-Ate-Asparagus Disease which I am afflicted with. Luckily, it is not nearly as serious.

Adult Big-Wheels

Everyone currently in their twenties had a bigwheel when they were a kid right (socioeconomic differences aside)? Is that accurate? Regardless, I had one (although I never had a new one. I got a used one from somewhere and pretty much used it until I was too big to ride it anymore. Maybe I had others, but I only remember the one. But I digress.).

Seeing as how we all love to re-live our youth, what self-respecting young professional wouldn't want to own an adult bigwheel? Well, now you can have your very own, thanks to the enterprising folks at bigwheelrally.com and their adult big wheels. Not only can these things support your weight, but you can actually fit into them, and they have a real rubber front tire. I can't imagine a beer-olympics being complete without drunkin' big wheel racing. Someone buy one and tell me how they are. You could only be so lucky to look as cool as the young woman in the photo above.

Battle of the Bulge

Newsweek is reporting that men's brief makers are taking a que from Wonderbra and creating tighty-whiteys (and greyeys, redys, and blackeys) to give men a nice lift in the crotch region (full report here).

I say if it makes you feel better, go for it, but most "men" (I use that term very loosely) that I know don't own a pair of pants tight enough to make said underwear effective. On the off chance that one of my male readers does have pants tight enough to publicize your newly acquired bulge, I'm willing to say that the underwear is the least of your problems. The article has user reports that range from "[Feels] like wearing your mother's underwear" to "Damn sexy. [Still] it could use some instructions." Don't worry DJ Skuggs, Newsweek has full contact information for you to purchase as many pairs as you like. Please let us know how they work out. . . .

Bric-a-brac

I found this article very interesting. It's about some guy who decided he would quit his job and sell bagels based on the honor system. Using the data he's collected, he's extrapolated to some general observations about white-collar crime based on his bagel sales. Interesting. You should read it and learn something instead of looking at porn all day.

Also, you may or may not know that PositiveMode is now officially defunct. I know I reported on that a few weeks ago, but its for good this time. It looks like NegativeMode is now the only Mode left for you to rely on (although I must say, BearMode and ModeWatchMode were really just flashes in the pan). PositiveMode, you will be missed, but there is an open invitation for you to guest post on NegativeMode should the muse within you strike. Checks out in NegativeMode sir.

Time Machine for Sale

Check out this auction on ebay for a genuine TimeCo TPI-75 time machine. It's only $50 right now. Funny auction. Good deal. NegativeMode fully supports your purchase of a genuine time machine.

Checks out....

The American Film Institute released its list of the top 100 movie quotes of all time. It certainly doesn't exactly mesh with my top 100 movie quotes of all time, (#1 "Checks out in positive mode sir. Checks out in negative mode sir." Airplane 2, 1983, #2 "When in Rome." Anchorman, 2004, etc., etc.), but I would like to point out #79. While I could probably point to at least 8 better lines in that movie that deserve to be on the list, I'm just happy to see Airplane! made it.

Checks out in positive mode!

Your Hip-Hop Nizzews Sizzource

As your source for non-stop hip-hop news, NegativeMode brings you the following:

Christopher Wallace, a.k.a. Notorious B.I.G. was killed over eight years ago and his killer(s) was never caught. No suspects were ever even named. Now the case is finally getting its day in court, although it looks like it won't result in any previously unknown insight into who actually shot and killed Biggie or why. The Wallace family has filed a wrongful death suit against the LAPD for Biggie's death, and the case is in court, with the jury having been selected yesterday.

If you care at all, read the full article and account of the underlying theory of the case here or here. I thought it was interesting, but then again, I'm big Biggie fan. . . .

About Me

I really like hard-boiled eggs. I try and eat two a day. More is better, but then I run out and have to make more. Neverending process....

Here is a link that will teach you how to cook perfect hard-boiled eggs. Personally, I think the only way to go is with a dedicated egg-cooker. This one is clearly superior to all other egg cookers because it is shaped like a chicken.

Antifreeze Cosmo

For those of you who whine about the high prices urban bars charge for spirits these days, take a page from our hard-drinking, former Soviet, Russian friends and drink more "industrial spirits". Industrial spirits are much, much, cheaper than your traditional vodka (and other liquors), and are only moderately deadly.

According to news.com.au: Production of drinks concocted from perfume, skincare products and anti-freeze increased by 38.2 percent in the first five months of 2005 compared with the same period in 2004, while vodka production fell 9.4 percent, according to data from Russia's National Alcohol Association. . . . Typically these drinks are produced and packaged legally as beauty or industrial products, but are then sold as alcoholic drinks from kiosks and food stores. The lethal cocktails kill some 60,000 Russians per year,[Russia's] Izvestiya [newspaper] said.

So, next time you're yearning to go out downtown, but don't think you have the money for it, go pick up some perfume, antifreeze, and cranberry juice and make yourself a drink. Watch out for the hangover though. . . .

Who's Watching the Watchers?

When people used to send packages, they would choose their desired level of shipping expediancy, hand over their package, and go on with their lives. Similarly, if an individual was expecting a package, or placing an order through a catalogue, they'd place the order and wait for the package. It'd get there when it got there. There may have been a general sense of how long it would take, e.g., 2-3 days, 7-10 days, etc., but unless it was overnight shipping, nothing was certain.

This all changed when the shippers, UPS, FedEx, Airborne, USPS, etc. introduced online package tracking. With online tracking, you know that your package was picked up at 7:42pm, left Walla-Walla at 9:26 am, arrived at a sorting station two days later in Memphis at 10:32 pm. The man in the internet even tells you when the package is on the truck and out for delivery.

I used to consider this a great step forward in the shipping industry (from a consumer standpoint that is. Perhaps any readers who may or may not work at FedEx could expound on this innovation from an insider standpoint). Recently however, I have decided that I hate the online tracking. When I know that I can track the status of a package, I do so incessantly. I literally check on the progress of the parcel several times a day, usually only to find out that it is still "in-transit" or something. It even makes me angry when I see that something arrived at a local facility and it hasn't moved in 5, 10, or 15 hours. Why is it still there? Why won't they just put it on a truck or plane and get it to me faster? I've come close to calling to ask why they won't just put it on a truck. It's maddening.

Of course, if they didn't allow us to track our packages, none of this would happen. We would place an order and the package would get here when it gets here. It would even be a nice surprise if it got here early. I like the old way better.

Show and Tell: Here's a link to a package I am currently tracking. Feel free to track it with me and feel my frustration at the fact that it has been in Ft. Worth for over three days. Why won't they move it, why?!?

Errata, et. al

I don't really have that much to say, because I think studying for the bar is slowly killing me. At the very least, I'm quite certain that for each day of bar-review class that I sit through, I lose at least six original thoughts from my head. That makes it hard to blog. In any event, here are two random thoughts that I'd like to get out of my head before I learn any more about parol evidence.

First: I was reading the Sportsguy's mailbag column on ESPN.com's Page 2 the other day and one of his readers wrote in with this question: "At what point in your life do you stop thinking about taking a cop's gun everytime you see one?" The Sportsguy didn't really respond, but that particular question struck a nerve with me. Why? Because I had that thought many times (the thought about what age and also the thought about taking the gun).

I know at first thought it sounds like only a crazy person would think about taking a cop's gun, but that isn't exactly accurate. The difference between a crazy person and a sane person is how much the person allows the thought to germinate before deciding that it would be crazy and then thinking about something else (or in the extreme, trying to actually take the gun). I know I always think about trying to take the gun. Of course, I would never actually attempt that sort of thing because I fear both jail and death, but I still think about it for a second. That's normal right? I don't know that this is necessarily the proper forum to be asking this question, because most of my readers are exactly that: my readers, and as such I already question their (your) grasp on sanity.

So, dear readers, at what point in your life does the thought of taking the gun stop automatically popping up in your head each time you see a cop? (This phenomenon is actually perfectly illustrated in Requiem for a Dream when Jared Leto is sitting at a diner counter and a cop sits down next to him. He goes into a dream sequence where he takes the cop's gun. In reality (or movie reality for that matter) he doesn't actually take the gun, but it's the process I'm talking about. . . .)

Second: Cocoa Krispies are fantastic. I haven't eaten cereal on a regular in about 8-10 years. I actually haven't eaten breakfast on a regular basis in about that long, but I've decided to start doing so. Anyway, I figured cereal would be a good start. First I got Pops, which were very good. When I finished them, I decided to try Cocoa Krispies again for the first time in a decade. All I can say is "wow". I was shocked at how good they were. Anyway, I don't have any sort of point other than praising Cocoa Krispies, so I'll stop now.

Seacrest out.

How the Mighty Have Fallen

Just a quick rant on the whole Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes thing....

I used to really like Katie Holmes. I was never in love with her or anything (I always thought she was a bit of a two-face (From Seinfeld: A woman whose appearance changes (for better and worse) depending on lighting conditions, e.g. George, "She's a two face")), but she was great as Joey and she was hot (notwithstanding the two-face phenomenon). Then she hosted SNL in 2001 (February 24, 2001, DMB musical guest) with that classic (maybe not "classic" but good) Dawson's Creek sketch with Mr. Peepers, where she made out with Chris Kattan, let him spit apple all over her face, and hump her back to life (one of the better post 2000 episodes btw). Good stuff. She seemed like a cool girl, and she was hot (again, notwithstanding the two-face thing). I liked her.

As I'm sure you all now know, she has just recently completely gone off the deep end, embracing Scientology, Tom Cruise, and now this, their engagement. I find it all quite silly, and I've lost respect for that usually hot chick who so graciously made out with Mr. Peepers. Oh well. . . .

Scaling K-Poo

Who woulda thunk that one of the larger problems associated with scaling the world's highest peaks would be the frozen poo left behind by previous climbers? It's difficult enought to deal with the sub-zero temperatures, lack of food and water, vicious winds, etc. without having to worry about whether that brown "rock" next you you is igneous, sedimentary, or dookielicious. According to Reuters:

Mountaineers who ascend North America's loftiest peak are often brought down to earth by "virus-laden poo" left behind by previous climbers, a medical report says.

The unsanitary conditions created by piles of human feces on Mount McKinley can cause diarrhea among climbers, which can lead to widespread problems when combined with the physical stress of a mountain expedition, according to the report in the journal Wilderness and Environmental Medicine. . . .

'They think they're going out on a pristine climb and there's virus-laden poo all around them,' said Dr. Bradford Gessner, a mountaineer and one of the study's authors.

I've always wanted to scale one of the world's tallest peaks, but now I'm not so sure. At the very least, if I never climb one of these mountains I can shift the blame from my laziness to the excrement inundating the slopes. . . .

Quickly, Everyone to Milwaukee!

First, let me apoligize by getting this news to you only a day before the actual event, thereby providing you with less than 24 hours to purchase your ticket, prepare your costume, and get your ass to Milwaukee. Second, let me explain what the hell I'm talking about.

As those of you who have read this blog from the beginning know, the names "NegativeMode", and its now defunct counterpart, PositiveMode, are derived from one of the greatest movies of all time, Airplane II (explaination here). In short, both Airplane and Airplane II are in my list of top 5 movies of all time (no time for the Airplane vs. Airplane II debate now). As such, it absolutely pains me that I will not be able to get to Milwaukee by tomorrow, Wednesday, June 15, 2005, to go to the 25th anniversary celebration of Airplane. According to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal,

More satisfying recognition comes this week when Jewish Family Services, a non-profit social services group working in the Milwaukee area for more than 135 years, presents a 25th anniversary benefit celebration of the film. A reception and dinner will be held Wednesday at the Pfister Hotel and a red carpet screening will be held Thursday at the Pabst Theater. The event is in honor of the volunteer service and philanthropy of Louise Abrahams Yaffe and her son Jim Abrahams, who wrote and directed "Airplane!" with fellow Shorewood High School and University of Wisconsin-Madison graduates David and Jerry Zucker. (Full article here)

In addition to the fund raiser and screening at the Pabst Theater, there will be an Airplane costume contest before the movie is shown. If only PositiveMode could get to Milwaukee to cover this event, he may be able to take first prize with his fantastic Ted Striker costume.

Anyway, to all of my Milwaukee readers (which to my knowledge numbers somewhere less than one), I beg you, please go to the screening and costume party. It absolutely kills me that I cannot go myself. I guess I'll just have to have my own costume contest and private screening on July 2nd, 25 years to the day from Airplane's silver screen debut.

Checks out in PositiveMode sir!

Putting the Pee in PSU

I've peed in the Beaver Stadium bathrooms (Penn State) somewhere between 200 and 20,000 times, and not once has that resulted in an invention potentially worth millions. Scott Coren, on the other hand, turned his drunk Beaver Stadium urinations into something more . . . a cup holder. Scott, apparently fed up with the mess that is a Beaver Stadium bathroom, invented a cup holder to be mounted in public bathrooms so you have somewhere to put your beer/drink (full story here). It took him twelve years to finally get the product to market, but it's here, and kudos to you Scott.

One comment I have to add to this though. Beaver Stadium is dry, i.e., you can't buy beer inside. So, unless ole' Scotty boy was up to some beer/liquor smuggling shenanigans, the only beverages he would have had to worry about would have been a water bottle or plastic cup of soda, and why not just leave those at your seat? I'm not trying to take anything away from Scott's invention, all I'm saying is that the only beverages worthy of bringing into the bathroom with you at a PSU football game are ones that you wouldn't want others to take from your seat. And what would be the only beverage worth stealing from the student section in a dry stadium? Exactly. If there is any point to this rambling I guess it's this: alcohol can lead to good things (and I guess I was always too drunk to care if my smuggled alcohol got a little urine on it. Such is life. . . .)

Toast of the Town

He's no Jesus, but this piece of toast with Abe Vigoda's face on it (I realize that is an extreme stretch, but that's what it's being sold as) is up to $60+ dollars on ebay. This just goes to show that people are insane if you weren't already aware of that. In case you can't picture Abe Vigoda in your head, here's a non-toast picture of him. . . .

New Online Publication

For those of you who, like me, enjoy both hot women and decomposing corpses, be sure to check out Girls and Corpses Magazine (SFW). And while I'm posting links to ridiculous nonsense, you might as well check out the future of white rap. I warn you though, this link is quite hardcore and contains bad potty-mouth language, so don't listen if your boss is standing behind you. . . .

What Will Those Industrious Germans Think of Next?

From Reuters: "A German city (Dortmund) is rushing to install a series of drive-in wooden "sex garages" in time for next year's Soccer World Cup and an expected boom in the local sex trade, a city official said on Wednesday."

I think that's very nice of the Germans to consider the privacy of the futbol fans interested in a little post-match commercial coitus. Frankly, there's not much sexier than picking up a prostitute, driving your car into a little wooden hut, doing the freaky-deaky, and than having a snack (there will be a snack bar on the premises).

I was trying to picture what the scene at the snack bar in the middle of all of these "shaggin' huts" would be like. Would the guys be discussing the game? Would they be discussing what just took place in the huts? Would it be like the XXX section in a movie rental store where eye-contact is strictly verboten? What does one say when, upon finishing up with a prostitute and getting a strudel, one runs into an acquaintance? I really have no idea. I'd be willing to test it out in the name of journalism (bloggism?) but I'll be in Germany one year too early. Oh well

Oh the Steps We Take to Look Young

Well, I'm not exactly sure how to go about introducing this one, so I'll just provide you with the link (here is the link) and let you choose what to make of it. Let's just say that the this product is designed to enhance (I don't even know if that's the right adjective, or whether that's even the product's purpose) sex in an uncomfortable place (and I don't mean in the back of a Volkswagen). I suppose this post is bordering on lacivious, lewd, or both, but it's almost 1 am, and these are the types of things you find on the internet at 1 am (or 3 pm for that matter). Anyway, let me know how the bleaching goes. . . .

Catgarookey

I'm not sure what to say about this picture. It's from a Sun Online article about a mystery animal on the loose in London. According to people who have seen the animal, it is a cross between a cat, kangaroo, and monkey.

One observer stated that the animal "had a sloping back like a kangaroo and believed it could be a coati-mundi — a racoon-like animal from Central America." Of course, that would be the most reasonable explaination, but the Sun chose to go with the headline "Cops Hunt Catgarookey", and add the above artist's rendition as visual proof. Whatever sells papers I guess. Either way, that picture really freaks me out. . . .

Edit: I almost deleted this post once I actually saw it on NegativeMode because it freaks me out so much, but I think you, my devoted readers, should see it for yourself. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I think its the cat head and monkey body that is the most disturbing.

Arrrgh

Check out this article from the Boston Herald. A Boston couple was sailing around the world when they were attacked by pirates in the Red Sea. Instead of fleeing, or more likely, dying, the couple rammed the pirates' boat, severely injuring them while their friend opened up on the pirates with a shotgun. The couple was able to get away and their boat is now being repaired.

I'm not sure what the lesson of the story is. Maybe carry a shotgun when you said around the Red Sea? Make sure your boat has a reinforced bow? Either way, cool story.

Sweet!

The MTV Movie Awards, which air this Thursday, happened over the weekend. If you're going to watch them and don't want to know what happened, stop reading. If you are still reading, and you're a Napoleon Dynamite fan, you'll be pleased to know that it won pretty much every category it was in according to this article from elitestv.com. There was also a "Vote for Pedro" afterparty complete with tatortots and glamour shots. That's just frickin' sweet. . . .

Little Ceasar's Adds Popular New Topping

From what I've been told, the usual order of things is smoke pot, eat pizza, repeat. Generally considered a good night in most circles. On a similar note, potheads are a lazy breed. Too much moving and having to do "things" can ruin an otherwise good night. With that in mind, I submit to you, my cheeba-smoking readers, this story from wsls.com.

Bill Sink, his girlfriend Mel, and her two kids were hungry, and decided to order pizza from Little Caesars (they are clearly not potheads, as evidenced by their poor tastes in pizza, but that is besides the point).

They ordered two pepperoni pizzas and ate almost all of them before they realized... what Sink says were some added toppings.

"I noticed it had green looking flakes on the pepperoni pizza," Sink said. "That just ain't right." When asked why he didn't just assume the flakes were dried herbs, he said. "Well, it had little stems in it and then I smelt it and I knew it wasn't basil or any kind of oregano."

The group called police (as opposed to watching Anchorman or listening to Camp Lo), who recommended they go to the hospital. To me, this sounds like a brilliant marketing scheme for Little Caesars. People order pizza, get stoned from said pizza, order more pizza, get stoned from said pizza, ad infinitum. There's no need to ever leave the house (screw social interaction). Great way to sell pizza. Pizza Hut can stuff all the crusts it wants, and Poppa John's can throw in all the garlic sauce in the world, but no way do they sell more pizzas than Little Caesars "Patchouli Pie".

6/6/05 Update: Today the U.S. Supreme Court ruled against the use of medicinal marijuana. Still no ruling about marijuana as a pizza topping. Read about it here.

A Bit of Nostalgia....

When I was a kid, my absolute favorite toys in the whole world were my Matchbox cars. I played with them at every chance I got, and every time I left the house I took a few along with me. At one point, I had a collection of probably over one-hundred of these tiny vehicles (I actually still have three in my current "big-boy" apartment). There wasn't a day that went by in my youth that I didn't spend playing with my Matchbox cars (I never played with HotWheels toy cars. I don't know what it was, but I just didn't like them as much.).

Anyway, one of the founders/inventors/creators of Matchbox Cars, Leslie Smith passed away on Monday (5/30/2005). This article/obituary in the UK Times Online chronicles the creation, production, and world-wide popularity of those wonderful toys from my childhood. I'm sure others of you out there had the same love and fascination with them as I did. Just want to say "thanks" Leslie. . . .

The Fun Doesn't End With "I Do"

For those of you who think that all your partying days will end with marriage, you're wrong, as this article from the Tuttle, Oklahoma Tuttle Times proves.

Long story short: husband and wife (24 & 22 yrs. old) go to a party and bong several beers. Husband passes out in pickup truck. Husband wakes up to find wife driving to casino to gamble, accuses wife of gambling problem, takes over driving. Wife freaks out, kicks and screams, husband drives into storage facility and crashes. Husband gets into truck bed, wife drives into road and hits two cars. Husband flies out and wakes up hours later confused in someone's yard - walks back to party (and also apparently hangs out in a creek). Meanwhile, wife drives around a bit, jumps out of moving pickup, pickup ends up in pond. Wife picked up by police, attempts to strip, pees in the back seat of police car. Police ask for description of her husband, wife responds that she forgets what he looks like, but that he was wearing a white shirt.

And they say marriage is boring.

I'd encourage you to read the article (there's even a picture of the submerged pickup), as I've only given you a bare-bones accounting and there are some pretty funny facts. I found it to be quite amusing. I can only hope that my future wife and I have such fun nights. . . .

NegativeMode: Now Better Tasting!

While grocery shopping recently I noticed a somewhat disturbing trend. What trend? The shocking number of vittles/foodstuffs labeled as "Now Better Tasting", "Now With More Flavor", "Zestier", and on ad infiniutm. What do these things even mean, and why do we need more of them? I can understand why you'd want something to be better tasting, but more flavor or zest? Was the product bland before? Did the company rush the product to market without adding the appropriate amount of zest? Was there a shortage of paprika and rosemary?

The one that I really don't understand is Doritos. Doritos have been a huge selling product for years and years, yet they've just recently made them better tasting. I tried some. They taste the same to me. Who decided that they are better tasting? Do they have a panel of tasters? Did someone at the factory add more artificial cheese and decrease the yellow #5? More salt? I can't figure it out.

You'd think that at some point, a product would reach the pinnacle of flavor, or at least the upper limits of human tolerances for zest. I'd imagine that this has already happened. Kraft manufactures Zesty Italian Dressing, "Now Zestier!", and some poor older woman in Topeka dies of over-zest. Sales plumment and Kraft is forced to reduce their amount of zest. Sales then increase. You would think at this point the product would be marketed as "Now with less Zest!" or "Less Flavorful", but the food producers are too vein to do this. Just once I'd like a food manufacturer to realize that they've made something too flavorful and embrace that mistake. I swear, if Doritos ever admits that they've gone overboard and added too much cilantro, my respect for them will increase far more than if they cram more zest onto a 2 inch triangle. . . .