One-Eyed _________ Snake

I think I'm at the point in my life where I'd like to refer to my pants (and other's pants) as trousers. It just feels right.

Worlds Tiniest Violin

I was walking home today, and I walked by a violin maker's shop. You'd think there would be a more glamorous name, other than "violin maker" for what seems like a glamorous profession. I suppose you could use "luthier," but that's not really specific to violins. Oh well.

Stupid Swiffer People

There's a commercial for Swiffer (I think) that's set in a courtroom. There is a witness on the stand and the Swiffer is, I have no idea why, the defendant. The lawyer examining the witness turns and asks very dramatically, "Can you point to the Defendant?!?" I think what they meant was, "Can you point to the perpetrator?" or "Can you point to the culprit" or something like that. It doesn't make any sense to ask a witness if they can point to the defendant. All that proves is that they understand what the word "defendant" means. Someone should talk to the commercial writers for Swiffer .

Secretariat, He Ain't

I had a dream that I was being chased by a policewoman for some sort of violation (traffic, I think). The policewoman was on some sort of police covered-wagon, which, in itself, was odd. However, what really stuck me was that the single horse pulling the police wagon only had two legs. The two other legs (if I remember correctly, front-right and rear-left) were wooden peg legs. So I was being chased by a horse with two wooden peg legs, and the peg legs were making a peculiar noise as they struck the ground and policewoman and prosthesis-laden horse chased me.

They were closing on me, but then I woke up. I had to pee. Weird huh?

Post script: I did a search for peg-legged horses and this is what I got. Interesting, but not what the police horse looked like. Oh well. Maybe I'll draw a picture.

For the History Buffs

Did you know that on this day, October 25, in 1616, Dutch sea captain Dirk Hartog made the second recorded landfall by a European on Australian soil? He made landfall at Dirk Hartog Island, off of the Western Australian coast. Pretty ironic place for him to land huh?

Also, today is World Pasta Day. So if you're on the Atkins Diet, take a break and have a carb. The World Pasta Congress demands it.

Shampoo is Good, Conditioner is Better

For most of my life, whenever I showered I washed my entire body and then finished with the shampoo. Then one day I decided that I should shampoo first and work my way down. It's worked out great ever since.

Holy Moly!

I have more paper clips than I know what to do with! Life is good.

A Question For the Fellas

Does any one else find it extremely frustrating when you really have to pee, but when you go to the urinal and unzip, you find that your boxers (or other undies, I suppose) and pants are askew, thus forcing you to fumble around to find the hole in the boxers and line it up with the hole in the pants so you can free your John Thomas for urination?

I do.

Ridin' the Rails

Perhaps in this space I have previously mentioned a hobo and/or the murder thereof. Said topic has always interested me. As such, here is a brief video of Rep. Ingersol's (R-SC) detailed House Report on his recent killing of a hobo. Enjoy:


Public Airings 74907-C, Rep. Ingersol's Murder Of A Hobo

Across the Pond

Why is it that most voice-over announcers for beauty product (e.g. make-up, shampoo, moisturizer, etc.) commercials are British women (or at least women speaking with a British accent)? It seems fairly prevalent, but I don't see a reason for it. British women aren't necessarily more beautiful than other women, are they? Maybe Americans feel that British women really know their beauty products.

On an unrelated, but still British note, I think there should be a show where Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsey deride each other and generally act smarmy for a half hour. I'd like that.

Let's Rearrange

It would be much more aesthetically pleasing if the grocery store was organized by color instead of food-type. When I say color, I'm talking about the color of the packaging if there is any or, if not, the color of the food. For example, bananas would be in the yellow aisle (although non-ripe bananas would be in the green aisle). Kraft Mac n Cheese would be in the blue aisle.

I think it would make the most sense if the colors were arranged the same as the rainbow from left to right, so violet/purple would be to the left of the grocery store and reds would be to the right of the store. It would be more enjoyable for both the people who work at the store and those of us visiting the store. Of course, it may be next to impossible to find anything, but that's the price you pay for aesthetics.

I'm going to talk to may local grocery store manager and I'd encourage you to do the same.

An Update on Old Thinking: Celebrations

I think it's time that we change the way we celebrate life's major milestones. Wait, that's not exactly accurate. I think it's time we change the way we measure life's major milestones. I don't really care how you choose to celebrate them. What I'm getting at it this:

When we're young children, babies, our parents measure our age in terms of months, i.e., "Little Spartacus is 18 months old." It makes sense if the baby is under a year old, I suppose. It would be silly to say that little Spartacus is 7/12 of one year old. So we use months. Then, there comes a time when we switch to years. I'm not sure exactly when that is, 18 months maybe? 24 months. Regardless, it happens. At this point, we celebrate all of our major milestones in terms of years: 16th year, 21st year, 30th year, etc.

I propose a change to this form of celebration. After 21, the years don't really matter anymore anyway, do they? You're just one year older (wiser?). Instead of throwing big parties for someone on their 40th or 50th or 60th birthday, why not switch back to the month calculation? I would love to have a huge bash when I turn 500 (March 29, 2021). And if I make it to 1000 (November 29, 2062), well, you better believe I'm gettin' me a yacht in the Caribbean stocked with malt liquor and the finest hookers money will buy.

This month, I'll be turning 331. Not a major milestone, true, but impressive nonetheless. 333, on the other hand (May 29, 2007), is a good one. I think I'll treat myself to a nice dinner.