Happy New Year

Hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year's Eve celebration and a healthy and happy 2006 (except, of course, for my enemies, upon whom I wish syphilis and overwhelmingly fetid flatulence). Because I know many of you (both personally and in the biblical sense (female readers only)), I am providing, courtesy of CollegeSexAdvise.com, this Survival Guide to Drunken New Year's Eve Sex (yes, I know it's small, click on it to make it bigger).

Fighting Crime

I know that I often times write about myself, NegativeMode, and my partner in crime (and European traveling), PostiveMode, but that many of you don't know what we look like. Well, here's a picture of us in our crime-fighting outfits. I, of course, am wearing red with an "N" on my helmet for "NegativeMode". PositiveMode is wearing blue with an "S" on his helmet for "SuperPositiveMode" (his full name). It's hard to tell from that angle, but I just want to point out that even though PositiveMode is much taller, I have a much bigger package. Also, we're Asian. Enjoy:

Thanks to NicoleMode for taking the picture. She was wearing a yellow version of the outfit, but unfortunately, we don't have that picture.

Edit: In winter, when it is too cold to wear our crime-fighting outfits outdoors, we put on our exo-uniforms, grab our little poking sticks and poorly constucted chairs and slide across frozen lakes. It passes the time:

I Hope Santa Has a Decent Salary

According to Reuters, whose reporters are apparently looking for things to do this time of year, Santa Clause most likely lives in Iceland. This revelation is based on the fact that 1) Santa must live somewhere north, and 2) when written to in eight countrys, the only response from Santa came from Iceland. Makes sense to me. How could he write back from Finland or Sweden if he's in Iceland? Fool proof.

This begs the question, of course, how much does Santa make? As those of you who have read NegativeMode before know, NegativeMode has been to Iceland (read about that lovely trip here and here, with pictures here), and let me tell you, it is the most expensive place on Earth. I won't go into that again, because I know I've mentioned how expensive it is there at least 15 times on this blog, but really, how does Santa afford it? He's not salaried that I'm aware of. My only guess is that he drives the $80 "supersaver" shuttle from the airport to Reykjavik. Now that's quite a racket. No way he's getting that fat in the land of $30 pizzas and $20 chicken breasts without a cushy, well-paying job. Also, I'd like to point out that I didn't see Santa once when I was there, but that's probably because according to the Reuters article, he lives in Dimmuborgir, a remote area of northern Iceland, that I did not have the pleasure of visiting.

Finally, I'd recommend reading the article, if for nothing else than to laugh at the silly Nordic nations that are a fussin' and a feudin' as to in whose country Santa actually lives (even though St. Nicholas actually lived in present day Turkey).

For those of you that can't read, here is an image of a South Korean postman Santa that has nothing to do with the story, but that Reuters decided should be on the same page (I do admit, it's an amusing picture):

Kabulog

I'd like to introduce a new link to NegativeMode . . . Kabulog. It's right there to your right, first link in the list. Don't be afraid to touch it. Kabulog is a blog written by a friend of mine (and of many of you) who recently (September) relocated to Kabul, Afghanistan to work (and write blogs). Kabulog sort of chronicals his experiences (although, Q.A., I think that you could use more chronicaling and less pseudo-political bullshitting) and thoughts about moving to/living in a new mileau. Anyway, you should read it, as it's a lot more thoughtful than the crap I post up here (although definitely not as uproariously funny, and certainly less scatological).

Speaking of which, I know I've been slacking with the posts, but I've made a Christmas resolution to start posting more regularly. The problem is, I have some standards, so I don't like to throw any crap up here (which it may seem like I often time do). I'd rather sacrifice quantity for quality. Also, I'm busy running the Commonwealth.

Finally, I've never mentioned the link to your right entitled "NegativeMode Map." It is exactly that: a map of where my readers are located (along with mustachioed pictures). Take a second and click on the link and put yourself on the map. Better yet, add a picture of yourself with a mustache. They're funny.

That's all. Read Kabulog and come back here often. I know you're bored anyway. Oh, here's a picture I stole from Kabulog because I know that many of you can't read and just like to look at pictures:

Knights of the Round (Night)Table

In case you're thinking of attacking me while I sleep, don't. I keep a bat under my bed. If I hear you so much as crack open my door, I will awake instantly, and in one smooth, cat-like motion, grab my bat and pound you on the head. You don't want that, do you?

For those of you who may not have the reflexes and speed that I do, I'd encourage you to purchase James McAdam's bedside table. Why? Because, Mr. McAdam's table is no ordinary table. Rather, it is a club and shield to provide you with a medieval defense against intruders (I don't really know what to tell you if they have a gun. Pray?). Just look at it:

Pretty awesome huh? No way you're going to get robbed or attacked when you swiftly disassemble your table and attack like so. I'm 99.8% certain it's better than a gun.

Product page here.

Some Sex Advice

For those of you who were planning on having sex at the speed of light (DJ Skuggs?), please read this post in its entirety first. According to Dr. John Marshall, Ph.D., it is probably not advisable to have sex at such a high velocity. Who would have thunk? Here is his list of the Top 10 Reasons Why Sex at the Speed of Light is not an Advisable Form of Procreation (this is just the list, to read the reasons, which are pretty amusing/disturbing, click here):

10. Penile Length Contraction
9. Penile Black Hole Formation
8. Penis Vaproisation
7. Relatavistic Flaming Semen
6. Time-Dialated Necrophilia
5. Lack of Visual Appeal
4. Religious Values
3. Property Damage
2. Deafening Sonic Booms
1. Excessive Dietary Requirements

Oy Vey

At my bar mitzvah, I had a band. They were pretty good. Everyone had a good time. I got lots of presents. That's about all I can remember. Elizabeth Brooks, on the other hand, had 50 Cent perform recently at her bat mitzvah. I guess I can't really knock her as that's pretty cool. I don't even like 50, but I think I would have let him perform at my shindig. Then again, I don't know for certain, but I'm 99.99% sure my dad didn't spend $10 million (yes million) on my party. It's all good though.

From sohh.com:

"Go Shorty, It's Your Bat Mitzvah." "We gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah".... Recently 50 Cent followed in enemy Ja Rule's footsteps by performing at a posh bat mitzvah. The party which was held at The Rainbow Room in NYC, was thrown by David H. Brooks, CEO for DHB Industries, a company that manufactures bullet proof vests. According to the NY Daily News' Lowdown column 50 was paid $500,000 to perform 5 songs for Brooks' daughter Elizabeth. Meanwhile during his act (where he actually did switch up the lyrics of "In Da Club" to "go shorty it's your bat mitzvah") 50's bouncers reportedly blocked party goers from taking pictures, as well as Brook's personal cameramen. One witness said that the Queens rapper "and his posse smelled like an open bottle of Hennessy," while also adding that he spotted a naked woman waiting for 50 in his limo as he exited the club. Oy vey. Curtis "Interscope" Jackson wasn't the only performer that night, R&B rookie of the year Ciara, and celebrity DJ AM also made an appearance along with sets from classic rock legends Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mack, Tom Petty, Don Henley and Joe Walsh of The Eagles, Aerosmith, and smooth jazz OG Kenny G. Brook's paid an estimated $10 million for the event.

Also, here are pictures from the bat mitzvah. NO WAY those chicks are 13 (check out some of the pictures at the end). I'd say A LOT more, but I'll limit my comments there for fear of jail time (seriously, look at those pictures).

Check out My Fish Sausage

Apparently mad cow disease has been good to the makers of fish sausages in Japan. The delectible sausages (made of fish, hence, "fish sausage") are making a comeback in the Land of the Rising Sun. I didn't see any when I was there, but they come in such awesome flavors as strawberry milk flavored fish sausage, cod ovum, fruit and vegetable, and tuna grits. Sounds tasty. Read about them here.

Also, from the obvious column, it may be a bad idea to engage in oral sex when you have braces. True. It also may be a bad idea to keep razor blades in your underwear. Who knew?

Motorcycles and Firearms

Most NegativeMode readers are familiar with this site's proprietors' stated enthusiasm for all things motorcycle. You may not be aware, however, of our second collective obsession: weapons, guns specifically. Finally, a learned scholar has produced some fine advice for those seeking to combine the two. Christopher Lee offers some sage wisdom on the fine art of riding with a firearm:

With the growing popularity of personal firearms carry among motorcyclists, it's important to find the weapon that best meets our rather specific self defense needs. On occasion, a drunk driver or a car driver experiencing road rage will purposefully ram a motorcycle, which never works out well for the motorcyclist.

Use your superior agility and acceleration to evade the car if you can. However, because the driver is attacking the motorcyclist with a deadly weapon (the car), the motorcyclist is legally entitled to defend him or her self with lethal force, probably a firearm. Will you ever be in this situation? Let's hope not. But should you be, here are some suggestions that might just keep you alive:

My favorites are points 5 and 6:

5. If you decide to fire, FIRE AT THE DRIVER, NOT THE CAR. Obvious in retrospect, make sure you decide to fire at the driver before you engage to avoid time-consuming, and therefore dangerous, mistakes.

6. Once you hit the driver, get away from the car! The car could go ANYWHERE at that point, and the farther you move away from it, the less likely it is to accidentally hit you.

Read on here.