I Hope Santa Has a Decent Salary

According to Reuters, whose reporters are apparently looking for things to do this time of year, Santa Clause most likely lives in Iceland. This revelation is based on the fact that 1) Santa must live somewhere north, and 2) when written to in eight countrys, the only response from Santa came from Iceland. Makes sense to me. How could he write back from Finland or Sweden if he's in Iceland? Fool proof.

This begs the question, of course, how much does Santa make? As those of you who have read NegativeMode before know, NegativeMode has been to Iceland (read about that lovely trip here and here, with pictures here), and let me tell you, it is the most expensive place on Earth. I won't go into that again, because I know I've mentioned how expensive it is there at least 15 times on this blog, but really, how does Santa afford it? He's not salaried that I'm aware of. My only guess is that he drives the $80 "supersaver" shuttle from the airport to Reykjavik. Now that's quite a racket. No way he's getting that fat in the land of $30 pizzas and $20 chicken breasts without a cushy, well-paying job. Also, I'd like to point out that I didn't see Santa once when I was there, but that's probably because according to the Reuters article, he lives in Dimmuborgir, a remote area of northern Iceland, that I did not have the pleasure of visiting.

Finally, I'd recommend reading the article, if for nothing else than to laugh at the silly Nordic nations that are a fussin' and a feudin' as to in whose country Santa actually lives (even though St. Nicholas actually lived in present day Turkey).

For those of you that can't read, here is an image of a South Korean postman Santa that has nothing to do with the story, but that Reuters decided should be on the same page (I do admit, it's an amusing picture):

Kabulog

I'd like to introduce a new link to NegativeMode . . . Kabulog. It's right there to your right, first link in the list. Don't be afraid to touch it. Kabulog is a blog written by a friend of mine (and of many of you) who recently (September) relocated to Kabul, Afghanistan to work (and write blogs). Kabulog sort of chronicals his experiences (although, Q.A., I think that you could use more chronicaling and less pseudo-political bullshitting) and thoughts about moving to/living in a new mileau. Anyway, you should read it, as it's a lot more thoughtful than the crap I post up here (although definitely not as uproariously funny, and certainly less scatological).

Speaking of which, I know I've been slacking with the posts, but I've made a Christmas resolution to start posting more regularly. The problem is, I have some standards, so I don't like to throw any crap up here (which it may seem like I often time do). I'd rather sacrifice quantity for quality. Also, I'm busy running the Commonwealth.

Finally, I've never mentioned the link to your right entitled "NegativeMode Map." It is exactly that: a map of where my readers are located (along with mustachioed pictures). Take a second and click on the link and put yourself on the map. Better yet, add a picture of yourself with a mustache. They're funny.

That's all. Read Kabulog and come back here often. I know you're bored anyway. Oh, here's a picture I stole from Kabulog because I know that many of you can't read and just like to look at pictures:

Knights of the Round (Night)Table

In case you're thinking of attacking me while I sleep, don't. I keep a bat under my bed. If I hear you so much as crack open my door, I will awake instantly, and in one smooth, cat-like motion, grab my bat and pound you on the head. You don't want that, do you?

For those of you who may not have the reflexes and speed that I do, I'd encourage you to purchase James McAdam's bedside table. Why? Because, Mr. McAdam's table is no ordinary table. Rather, it is a club and shield to provide you with a medieval defense against intruders (I don't really know what to tell you if they have a gun. Pray?). Just look at it:

Pretty awesome huh? No way you're going to get robbed or attacked when you swiftly disassemble your table and attack like so. I'm 99.8% certain it's better than a gun.

Product page here.

Some Sex Advice

For those of you who were planning on having sex at the speed of light (DJ Skuggs?), please read this post in its entirety first. According to Dr. John Marshall, Ph.D., it is probably not advisable to have sex at such a high velocity. Who would have thunk? Here is his list of the Top 10 Reasons Why Sex at the Speed of Light is not an Advisable Form of Procreation (this is just the list, to read the reasons, which are pretty amusing/disturbing, click here):

10. Penile Length Contraction
9. Penile Black Hole Formation
8. Penis Vaproisation
7. Relatavistic Flaming Semen
6. Time-Dialated Necrophilia
5. Lack of Visual Appeal
4. Religious Values
3. Property Damage
2. Deafening Sonic Booms
1. Excessive Dietary Requirements

Oy Vey

At my bar mitzvah, I had a band. They were pretty good. Everyone had a good time. I got lots of presents. That's about all I can remember. Elizabeth Brooks, on the other hand, had 50 Cent perform recently at her bat mitzvah. I guess I can't really knock her as that's pretty cool. I don't even like 50, but I think I would have let him perform at my shindig. Then again, I don't know for certain, but I'm 99.99% sure my dad didn't spend $10 million (yes million) on my party. It's all good though.

From sohh.com:

"Go Shorty, It's Your Bat Mitzvah." "We gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah".... Recently 50 Cent followed in enemy Ja Rule's footsteps by performing at a posh bat mitzvah. The party which was held at The Rainbow Room in NYC, was thrown by David H. Brooks, CEO for DHB Industries, a company that manufactures bullet proof vests. According to the NY Daily News' Lowdown column 50 was paid $500,000 to perform 5 songs for Brooks' daughter Elizabeth. Meanwhile during his act (where he actually did switch up the lyrics of "In Da Club" to "go shorty it's your bat mitzvah") 50's bouncers reportedly blocked party goers from taking pictures, as well as Brook's personal cameramen. One witness said that the Queens rapper "and his posse smelled like an open bottle of Hennessy," while also adding that he spotted a naked woman waiting for 50 in his limo as he exited the club. Oy vey. Curtis "Interscope" Jackson wasn't the only performer that night, R&B rookie of the year Ciara, and celebrity DJ AM also made an appearance along with sets from classic rock legends Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mack, Tom Petty, Don Henley and Joe Walsh of The Eagles, Aerosmith, and smooth jazz OG Kenny G. Brook's paid an estimated $10 million for the event.

Also, here are pictures from the bat mitzvah. NO WAY those chicks are 13 (check out some of the pictures at the end). I'd say A LOT more, but I'll limit my comments there for fear of jail time (seriously, look at those pictures).

Check out My Fish Sausage

Apparently mad cow disease has been good to the makers of fish sausages in Japan. The delectible sausages (made of fish, hence, "fish sausage") are making a comeback in the Land of the Rising Sun. I didn't see any when I was there, but they come in such awesome flavors as strawberry milk flavored fish sausage, cod ovum, fruit and vegetable, and tuna grits. Sounds tasty. Read about them here.

Also, from the obvious column, it may be a bad idea to engage in oral sex when you have braces. True. It also may be a bad idea to keep razor blades in your underwear. Who knew?

Motorcycles and Firearms

Most NegativeMode readers are familiar with this site's proprietors' stated enthusiasm for all things motorcycle. You may not be aware, however, of our second collective obsession: weapons, guns specifically. Finally, a learned scholar has produced some fine advice for those seeking to combine the two. Christopher Lee offers some sage wisdom on the fine art of riding with a firearm:

With the growing popularity of personal firearms carry among motorcyclists, it's important to find the weapon that best meets our rather specific self defense needs. On occasion, a drunk driver or a car driver experiencing road rage will purposefully ram a motorcycle, which never works out well for the motorcyclist.

Use your superior agility and acceleration to evade the car if you can. However, because the driver is attacking the motorcyclist with a deadly weapon (the car), the motorcyclist is legally entitled to defend him or her self with lethal force, probably a firearm. Will you ever be in this situation? Let's hope not. But should you be, here are some suggestions that might just keep you alive:

My favorites are points 5 and 6:

5. If you decide to fire, FIRE AT THE DRIVER, NOT THE CAR. Obvious in retrospect, make sure you decide to fire at the driver before you engage to avoid time-consuming, and therefore dangerous, mistakes.

6. Once you hit the driver, get away from the car! The car could go ANYWHERE at that point, and the farther you move away from it, the less likely it is to accidentally hit you.

Read on here.

Thoughts on Meat

I think that if I had to do it all over again, I'd be a butcher. In my experience, butchers are nice people -- very helpful when it comes to making tough choices about meat. There's a certain amount of respect that comes with being a butcher. Maybe when I retire.

From the ironic files: Two men in Manchester, NH have been charged with stealing from a Wendy's restaurant. One of the men's name -- Ronald MacDonald. Article here.

Happy Thanksgiving

Pat Morita, who starred in The Karate Kid (and also appeared in several TV shows, including a handful of episodes of M*A*S*H (I really just wanted to type the name with those asterisks (because it looks kind of cool), he had many roles more notable than M*A*SH) has died.

A Very Special Holiday Treat

Both because it's that holiday time of the year, and because a lot of you haven't heard this FANTASTIC song in about a year (or, for the very unlucky, never at all), I felt the strong desire to repost the link to my favorite holiday song here.

I'm not going to describe what song it is, because the surprise helps to add to the joy. Suffice it to say, it's my favorite holiday song out there. Don't forget to click on the link to the remix at the bottom of the page, it's simply brilliant. I only hope that I can listen to this song from Hell. Happy Holidays!

JoePa and the Lions are Big Ten Champs!

Since this space has previously been used to praise the accomplishments of various sporting teams, I can't, in good conscious, let another minute go by without congratulating the Penn State Nittany Lions on winning the Big Ten Saturday night with a rousing win over Michigan State. As many of you know, PSU hasn't been playing at the level that most Penn State fans have become accustomed to over the years. This year, lead by a group of seniors who just wouldn't quit, the Lions turned their fortune around, going 10-1. Save the two seconds mysteriously added to the clock against Mighigan, and this team would be undefeated. Either way, I don't think many people, if any, predicted a 10-1 record and a trip to a BCS bowl. Congratulations guys on an absolutely fantastic season. WE ARE!

Is it Breezy in Here?

Webster University student Misha Sulpovar has been charged with indecent exposure. Why? Because his "performance art piece" consisted of him walking up to random people with his twig and berries hanging out of his pants zipper. He claims he wanted to see the people's reactions. Hell, I'd want to see their reactions too. In one instance, he walked up to a table at Webster's career fair "with [his] genitalia exposed through a pant zipper. After inquiring if there were any job openings with the company, . . . the suspect then colored on his genitals with a highlighter from the company's table." Makes sense to me. Maybe I'll try this next time I'm looking for a job.

Misha himself gave his reasons in his blog (I recommed that you read his blog, which is interesting to say the least): "I go out to a populated, neutral, public place with an unzipped fly and what appears to be scrotum-like flesh hanging out. I would walk around seemingly unaware of this detail and note peoples' reactions." Why not. Oh wait, I know, because it's illegal. I mean, who wouldn't want to walk around with his (or I suppose, in today's times, her) scrotum-like flesh hanging out on a hot day? You just can't though, just like you can't rob a bank. Oh well, sorry Misha. Full article here.

Also, read about the history of beer-pong here, in part two of the Dartmouth's three part series on the evolution of beer pong.

Apparently Satan is an Inventor

I don't have any comments on this other than explitives. It makes me mad. Reagan SMASH:

Capton’s Beverage Tracker system is an innovative liquor monitoring system that helps bar owners increase their liquor profits by providing real-time wireless liquor consumption data to help prevent against shrinkage. Our system help you identify over-pours and drink giveaways. Think of it as an electronic journal of everything that happens within your bar operations. Remember, you can’t manage what you can’t measure!

Benefits
* - Free-Pour Spout
* - Real-Time Pour Tracking
* - Wireless Transmission
* - Accurate To 1/10th Ounce
* - Engage/Disengage Switch
* - Increases Bar Profits
* - Reduces Over-Pours
* - Reduces Theft
* - Tracks Par Stock
* - Reduces Liquor Costs

Beverage Tracker® takes complex technology and creates a simple and manageable way to track each and every ounce as your bar staff free-pours liquor. Electronics and a battery are contained in each spout. As the spout pours liquor it wirelessly transmits how much in real-time to software which captures each and every pour.

Your patrons will never know you’re using something besides a regular pour top. Your bartenders will be conscious that even though they are free pouring they are still accountable for what they pour.

Wireless Spout
Beverage Tracker uses wireless free-pour spouts, allowing bartenders to pour liquor without restricting flow or limiting quantities. Each spout contains a unique microchip that transmits pour data via radio frequency to the receiver. Each microchip has a unique code, enabling each spout to be tracked individually.

Thanks to RealTechNews for the article.

I'd Go With Pink

From Boston.com:

Seeing red? It may be your law firm

What mood is your law firm?

A study of the country's 200 most profitable firms found that more than half of them -- 116, to be exact -- have blue logos, websites, business cards, and other advertising materials.

Why blue? Maybe because it's what's known in the marketing business as a ''low arousal" color, one that elicits a sense of calm and relaxation. Blue also projects an aura of royalty and authority.

Red, in contrast, is an adrenaline-pumping, ''high arousal" color that exudes excitement, action, and aggression, says Tom Simons, founder of Partners + Simons, the Boston ad agency that did the study.

Red has even been shown to raise blood pressure, which may be why only 19 percent of the law firms surveyed chose it for their brand identity.

For Choate, Hall & Stewart, arousal may be a good thing. The firm recently ditched its blue motif and now features a bright red chili pepper on its website. The switch was driven by client feedback that described the firm as warm, intense, and dynamic, says Betsy Huntley, Choate's marketing director.

Just 8 percent of the firms picked gray, the color of overcast skies, perhaps wanting to avoid a dour, serious image.

Two percent selected green, nature's color. That may be a shade law firms avoid, Simons said, because it's also the color of the greenback (although others could make a case that's exactly the message lawyers want to send).

A Study: The Efficacy of Aluminum Foil Helmets

Since I know that most of you out there reading NegativeMode are fairly off-centered, I would not be surprised to find out a good number of you at some point have worn aluminum helmets around as a way to thwart government mind control devices. I'm pretty sure that PositiveMode wears them on a semi-regular basis. Well, as a service to you, my insane readers, I present you with this study conducted by four M.I.T. students on the efficacy of those aluminum mind protecters you've been wearing. According to the research, the helmets can actually amplify certain frequencies used exclusively by the federal government.

Here's the study abstract:

Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyser, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government's invasive abilities. We theorize that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

The entire study can be found here. Time to find some new protection.