Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Once Again I Find Dissapointment

Next time you want to write a complaint letter to someone, use this website. It's pretty cool. Just plug in the name and company, and you're good to go; it generates a complaint letter for you. I wouldn't even bother reading what it generates, just send and complain away. In fact, I think I'll just start sending random complaint letters to various companies. Maybe I can get some free samples out of it, or at least a lawsuit.

Here's a complaint letter generated to NegativeMode (pretty good I think, and accurate):
Once again, I find disappointment. Once again, I find no satisfaction. Once again, I find that whenever I ponder over the meanings and implications of NegativeMode's uneducated assertions, I feel little peace. For complete details, I refer you to my forthcoming book on the subject. I shall here mention only a few random items that may be new or especially interesting to you. For instance, NegativeMode refers to a variety of things using the word "anthropophysiography". Translating this bit of jargon into English isn't easy. Basically, it's saying that we should derive moral guidance from its glitzy, multi-culti, hip-hop, consumption-oriented prophecies, which we all know is patently absurd. At any rate, one of its favorite tricks is to create a problem and then to offer the solution. Naturally, it's always its solutions that grant it the freedom to jawbone aimlessly, never the original problem. NegativeMode's asseverations are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk" -- an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well -- because in asserting that clever one-liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking, it demonstrates an astounding narrowness of vision.

Jaded ranters generally contend that NegativeMode has no intention to make us too confused, demoralized, and disunited to put up an effective opposition to its utterances, but NegativeMode's often-quoted effusions belie this notion. NegativeMode does, occasionally, make a valid point. But when it says that an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd, that's where the facts end and the ludicrousness begins. One final point: NegativeMode brandishes the word "transubstantiationalist" as a kind of up-to-date jack-o'-lantern to scare children.

1 comment:

NegativeMode said...

I just reread that complaint letter generated by that site. I'm amazed at how dead on it is. I mean, how could they have possibly guessed that I specifically use "transubstantiationalist" as a kind of up-to-date jack-o'-lantern to scare children? Impressive. I guess I'll have to shape up or face more wrath.